Friends, family, strangers, and fellow financially irresponsible hockey enthusiasts:
I come before you today in a time of absolutely no crisis whatsoever.
I have discovered the upcoming Super Chexx Lite.
It is beautiful.
It is wildly irresponsible for me to want this badly.
It costs roughly $4,000.
Do I need it?
No.
Do I want it with an enthusiasm that is becoming increasingly difficult to defend?
Unfortunately, yes.
The Financial Reasoning Has Begun to Deteriorate
Now, conventional mathematics says this is a $4,000 bubble hockey table.
But apparently Shop Pay will let me split this terrible decision into monthly payments.
And once an irresponsible purchase gets divided into smaller numbers, something strange happens.
It stops costing $4,000.
It becomes:
roughly $400 twelve times.
Completely different.
I believe this is what the internet calls girl math.
Except I am a grown man using it to justify a bubble hockey table.
Which may actually be worse.
Please do not audit this section.
Could I Just Convince My Wife?
Maybe.
I could spend the next several days slowly wearing her down with increasingly persuasive arguments about:
Family bonding.
Hand-eye coordination.
Childhood nostalgia.
Father-daughter memories.
Quality time.
Competitive development.
The historical and cultural importance of bubble hockey.
I could prepare charts.
I could make a PowerPoint.
I could casually bring it up every few hours until this becomes less of a purchase discussion and more of a hostage negotiation.
But instead, I have chosen the more mature and dignified path:
asking the internet for money.
Every dollar donated reduces the portion of this completely unnecessary purchase that I personally have to explain.
Think of it less as charity and more as crowdfunding one man's extremely specific lack of self-control.
An Actually Serious Disclaimer
This is not a hardship fundraiser.
Nobody is sick.
Nobody is stranded.
We have food.
The lights are on.
The refrigerator works.
I just really want bubble hockey.
Please do not donate here instead of helping somebody who genuinely needs it.
But if you have $5 sitting around and the thought of helping a grown man acquire an absurdly expensive bubble hockey table makes you laugh, I will gratefully accept your contribution to this extremely important and completely unnecessary cause.
The Goal
🏒 One glorious Super Chexx Lite
💰 Approximately $4,000
✨ Bare bones. No fancy upgrades. No ridiculous options list. Just beautiful, unnecessary bubble hockey.
👰 One wife who hopefully continues finding this whole thing funny.
🧮 One grown man discovering that girl math apparently has practical applications.
🙏 One internet community being given far too much influence over a recreational purchase.
Possible Outcomes
$5 raised:
I feel encouraged.
$50 raised:
My wife becomes mildly concerned that strangers are enabling me.
$500 raised:
This stops being a joke and becomes a developing situation.
$2,000 raised:
I begin realizing the internet may actually be capable of terrible things.
$4,000 raised:
The Super Chexx Lite happens, and I will have learned absolutely the wrong lesson from this experience.
Unfortunately, There Is an Even Worse Decision Available
Here is where things could get dangerous.
I am a Nashville Predators fan.
And ICE makes a full Nashville Predators NHL Super Chexx Pro Bubble Hockey table.
I have seen it.
I cannot unsee it.
Configured the way I would want it, we are talking roughly $5,700.
So if this fundraiser somehow reaches the Super Chexx Lite goal and then keeps going, we will have officially crossed the line from:
“Help this grown man buy an absurd bubble hockey table.”
to:
“Apparently the internet has decided this man needs the full Nashville Predators arcade version.”
🟨 $5,700 Stretch Goal: Nashville Predators Super Chexx Pro 🏒
If we somehow reach that number, the Lite gets upgraded to the full Predators Super Chexx Pro.
That is where the bells and whistles come out.
Predators players.
Predators branding.
Predators ice.
The whole ridiculous Smashville treatment.
And if we get to choose the opposing team, the donors get the vote.
You helped create this situation.
You deserve representation.
At that point, the winning opponent will be permanently sentenced to showing up at my house and playing Nashville for the foreseeable future.
The Super Chexx Lite was my questionable decision.
If we make it all the way to the Predators Pro, that becomes a group project.
And Then We Stop
This part is actually important:
I do not want extra money.
I want bubble hockey.
Once the final table, selected options, taxes, shipping, and actual setup costs are completely covered, everything beyond that will be donated to charity.
If this fundraiser somehow reaches that point, the donors will help choose where the extra money goes.
So if this ridiculous experiment somehow results in both:
🏒 an absurd Nashville Predators bubble hockey table
and
❤️ money going somewhere it can actually do some good
then this may accidentally become the dumbest good idea I have ever had.
Shareholder Benefits
Also, if you donate and you are local, you are welcome to come play.
And yes, that still applies if this thing goes completely off the rails and your particular dollars ultimately end up in the charity portion rather than directly in the table.
You helped make it happen.
At that point, you are basically a shareholder.
If we actually pull this off, the story alone will have been worth it.
God bless you, God bless hockey, God bless the Nashville Predators, and God bless questionable recreational purchases. 🏒😂
