Shiny SLANDER The Duggars Bill Gothard and IBLP

By Holly McLean

In Counting the Cost, a memoir by Jill Duggar, I was struck by the frankness that she expressed about her upbringing and struggles growing up in an unusually large family and on TV. I believe that she is telling things as she perceived them to be and is being honest about her feelings.

Jill also says she grew up in a loving home with parents who truly cared about her and all of her brothers and sisters. Her portrayal of her mother, Michelle, made me wonder if there could be a more perfect mom in all the world!

From the beginning of the book, it’s clear that the Duggar family had a lot of rules that seem foreign to the vast majority of the world. Right away, it’s easy to see that the Duggar family was unique regardless of the number of children they had. It was their lifestyle that was different, not just their numbers.

To some, this might seem like a negative thing, but not to me. I saw it as inspiring. Not the rules, but the idea that there were standards that were set and that the children lived in a safe and happy way enjoying a good relationship with their parents and with each other.

Yes, I agree that some of the rules were not necessary and went farther than needed to accomplish the goals they were trying to achieve. That’s true. But the underlying motivation for it all was to bring up children who stayed on the straight and narrow and recognized things that could lead them into destructive paths in their lives.

I think Jill also recognized that this was the motivation of her parents from the time they were just little throughout their growing up years. From her story, she seems to see that her parents wanted what was best for each of their children.

Also, throughout the book she tells how the fact that there were cameras in her life was not a positive thing to her personally. Though it was viewed as a ministry that their family did together, she saw it as a constant cloud of pressure for her to smile and look good no matter what was going on inside.

She talks about their family’s involvement in attending the Institute of Basic Life Principles (IBLP) conferences and seminars. It seems at the time that she really enjoyed those events. But, one thing she states very clearly in the book is that Gothard and IBLP taught that children are to submit to the authority of their parents at all ages, even after marriage. She even says, “…according to IBLP teaching, Derick was also under my parents’ authority and was supposed to obey them too.”

This is a major theme throughout her book. Yet, I have not found any evidence that this is actually an IBLP teaching. This belief caused a lot of havoc for her and her husband, Derick, who tried very hard to do what they both thought was right, though he didn’t believe obedience to her father was required.

Several times in the book, Jill also mentions different family concepts. One of them was the “window of opportunity” which she seems to believe is not a good one. Her writing puts a sinister twist on this idea. Rather than see this concept as a way to look at every opportunity that comes our way as a path to sharing the gospel, she saw it as a negative because of the things that happened later in her life through the choices made by her parents, especially her father.

Another family concept was “do not stir up contention among the brethren”. This actually means that it is wrong to stir up trouble unnecessarily and talk about others negatively without any purpose to solve a problem.

She saw the whole concept as a negative because she believed it caused members of the family to hide problems rather than talk them out as if to address it would “stir up contention”. From Jill’s perspective, this caused there to be secrets that could not be talked about.

She does mention the perks that she and her family received throughout her life from being involved in the TV show. There was what seemed to be an unlimited grocery budget when the film crew was filming them at the store, trips to other countries, vacations that they otherwise would never have been able to afford, nice vehicles, fun outings, and there was even a huge home that was mostly paid for by the network that was airing their production.

Jill is very careful not to write any details about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her older brother. She only talks about the fear and anxiety when she found out about it, her anger and resentment, and about how it felt to have to deal with the aftermath and public shame when it was revealed. She also describes the pressure she was under to try to make it all better.

She gives a full account of her feelings and struggles through it all which is compelling and heart-wrenching. Her descriptions were so clear that the reader can almost experience the emotions along with her.

Jill opens up about her courtship with Derick. Clearly her father wanted her to develop a relationship with this man with the hopes that it would turn into a successful marriage, but it was also clear that she had every choice to reject her father’s suggestion if she wanted to. This was not in any way an arranged marriage.

After they were married, she describes her anxiety and waves of nausea at the thought of going against her father regarding her participation in the TV show. Even though she and her husband felt it was taking over their lives, Jill did not want to rock the boat and was afraid to cause a problem by saying “no” to it.

Again, throughout the descriptions of the struggles she and her husband experienced with the filming and the show, Jill comes back to the belief she had that IBLP taught that her and Derick were required to obey her father. This misconception in IBLP teaching continued to cause them problems.

About half way through the book, Jill starts to bring out the conflicts that caused the biggest rift between her and her father. The obligations she was put under without her knowledge or understanding, and the monetary compensation she and her husband felt they were due for their work on the show. At the point Jill and Derick wanted to have privacy with the birth of their first child, the dam was breaking in the relationship between father and daughter, and therefore between her and other family members as well.

It is commendable how Derick navigated the stresses between his wife and her family. The way Jill describes it, it seems he tried very hard to be the protective husband and the respectful son-in-law under very difficult circumstances. There was a lot at stake and not just monetarily. But Derick seemed to support his wife at every turn, face conflicts with strength and dignity, and tried to be the kind of person she needed him to be.

The two biggest dramatic times after they were married was the revelation to the public about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother, and the nearly fatal birth experience she had while delivering her second child. The blessings to her and her husband were clear as they worked through it all.

The rest of the book basically is going back and forth about the conflicts and struggles Jill and Derick had in trying to negotiate with her father regarding compensation for the show, tax problems created from the income that was due them, all while trying to figure out how to find a balance with their changing beliefs, desires to create new ministry opportunities as a couple, and providing for their growing family.

Jill and Derick were trying to make a way in the world for themselves and figure out what beliefs they would have as a couple separate from those that she grew up with in the Duggar family. You can feel the tension as she describes her feelings through this difficult time in their lives.

The conflicts and emotions were raw and were described in ways that read like open wounds. Yet, through it all, Jill continued to say she loved her parents, and her parents continued to say they loved her and Derick. There was an awful lot of anger and frustration and a bit of stubbornness on both sides, but there was no hate involved it seems.

In the end, to give my own opinion, I believe Jill was truthful in her writing although she is mistaken about IBLP teachings. She believed some things were taught in IBLP that were not.

I am also not sure exposing her family, and especially her father, to further scrutiny was a wise thing to do nor do I believe by doing this it was honoring her parents. Their entire family has been dragged through the mud because of the actions of one of them.

As for the ending, I love that it gives hope. JimBob and Michelle are in Jill and Derick’s home visiting and enjoying their new son, Freddy. I don’t even know the Duggars personally, but after all that has happened, there is hope for reconciliation and that brought me to tears of joy for them all.