Support Sarah's Detransition

Campaign Created by: Lauren Southern

The funds from this campaign will be received by Sarah Harback.

Goal: CAD $47,000
Raised: CAD $ 39,137

Funds have been carefully calculated (in CAD) to cover the full costs of:

Hairline Rounding - $14,998

Breast Reconstruction - $13,635

Transportation to Clinic in Florida - $3958

Hotels - $3410

Laser Hair Removal - $10231 (Edit: Priority, more treatments needed due to possible hormone imbalance)

Sarah's Story

I'm Sarah, and this is a story that's not easy for me to share, a story that I've gained the courage

to share through the realization that, even if it helps a single person, that's a single person that

might not have to endure what I did and am enduring. 

I write this in detail so that you might understand just how many factors there can be which may make someone feel as though they're transgender and that that's the only choice for them, even if it turns out that it's not, even if it turns out that it's something they can only live to regret.

As a young girl, I never fit into the 'girl' category. Things the usual girl would like, I didn't, and

everything the usual boy liked, I did. I had depression before I even knew what depression was,

all I knew was that I was sad all the time and even more sad if somebody I loved was struggling,

but I thought that if I didn't have a reason to be sad, I couldn't tell anybody that I was. This lead

to me missing a lot of school and a prescription for citalopram when I was around twelve.

From nine to fourteen, I had my group of guy friends, we'd hang out at school together, play

Dungeons & Dragons, go camping and swimming at one of their family cabins, but of all the people I considered friends in my life, it was my father I wanted to be like most.

Growing up I saw how he protected our family, as hectic as that family could be,

even when we needed protection from each other, but who would protect him from the weight

of it all? I wanted to be strong enough to protect him too and lessen the weight off his

shoulders, even if it was only a pound of that weight. I've always been an empathetic person, so

seeing those struggles and seeing that weight, even while they try to hide it always got to me.

My father worked a high paying job that, for him, involved a lot of travel when I was very little, so much

that I didn't remember who he was after one of his longer trips. The moment he realized this, he sacrificed that job for me, for his family. There came the realization that I meant and mean more than money to him, and it's sad to say that's not the way the world works for many people.

I'd come out to my sister and mother quite a few times in my elementary school years, before I

even knew what the official diagnosis for "I feel like a boy" was, but

when I was met with denial and confusion out of their fear over what I was feeling,

I tried for a while to push myself to dress more feminine and wear makeup in order to bury that feeling, hoping it'd go away. 

When puberty hit, I wasn't excited, I dreaded it, I didn't want to be ogled or looked at like women are, going as far as saying that it made me feel disgusted isn't an understatement. 

Sure, I had my crushes like everybody else, but I still wanted to be one of the guys. When the 'boy' activities came and I couldn't go because I wasn't one? That got to me all the more, because I'll easily pass on getting my nails done a hundred times over going fishing to this day.

I was fifteen when I publicly began my transition and started testosterone. I'd tried a children's

hospital to see about getting prescribed testosterone, and when they told me I needed to see a

therapist first, which my family couldn't afford, it was as easy as going to another clinic, being

referred to a Doctor and having a ten minute conversation with that Doctor to leave with a testosterone prescription. 

The only real question asked was if I was sure my dysphoria wasn't a result of anything else. I'd thought, "Well, I'm disgusted with being looked at as a girl, I love doing everything a boy does, so my 'dysphoria' must be gender dysphoria", so my answer was no. Even then, I was a kid, barely fifteen, I wanted what I wanted and I wasn't going to put a lot of thought into it.

I had check-ins with a youth practitioner since then, asking me how I was feeling. She switched

me over to fluoxetine from that citalopram that I'd been taking for a few years because of the

constant headaches it gave me, and I'd recently stopped taking it because of that. When I came

to see her, that depression was back, so we'd talk in another month once the fluoxetine kicked

in to see how I felt then.

A month later, I felt great, I kept feeling great, happy, but it was this false sense of happiness

where I knew that underlying source of sorrow was still there, undealt with. In fact, I was happy

enough to not even really care about dealing with whatever it was, or maybe that was also the

fact that I felt like a robot, not much emotion outside of that false happiness.

When I turned sixteen, it was finally time for top surgery. With the Doctor I'd gotten referred to,

it just so happened there was a spot that just opened up in a month for me to get the procedure.

My parents weren't necessarily on board, they weren't on board when I'd started testosterone

either, and society really seems to want parents who "aren't on board" to look bad. Even as I

knew that, they still loved me unconditionally, were patient, tried their best to understand and

were there when I needed them most as family should be. 

Love is unconditional, and you don't send those in need of that love away when they're struggling. If they did, I don't think I'd be here right now and I'm very thankful to have had that.

Even after the surgery that I didn't have to pay a dime for, even after five years of testosterone, I was happy. I worked with an arborist, ran chainsaws, and I looked in the mirror and felt right with the man that I saw, even when it took losing so many people that I'd called friends to get there. Eventually this all changed though. It was only in 2022 that I started to question, started to have hints of doubt, and started to ignore any hint of doubt, one of the biggest reasons being because I believed it was too late.

When I decided to go to this church in my hometown, one I'd recently started going to, the

Pastor spoke of exactly the situation I had gotten myself into, as though God had decided to

reach out. I'd prayed for that guidance, as I was lost on what to do and if I really could continue

on like I was.

After that, I then stopped taking fluoxetine. I wanted that false sense of happiness gone,

because I'd rather be sad with the chance of working through that sadness,

than resign to a faux medically induced sense of "joy". That doubt got

stronger and that feeling of depression came back even worse. I couldn't look in the

mirror without crying, and worst of all, all the love and support I'd found in transitioning, I

couldn't find in detransitioning.

If a child with decaying teeth asks you for candy, do you hand them that candy, parents? No, and maybe they'll tell you they hate you for it, but they'll understand why you didn't in several years and love you more for it.

Why? Because you took them to the dentist, you got their cavities filled,

their teeth cleaned, you told them you loved them and only wanted to make sure

their teeth were healthy before they got any sweets. I use this analogy because that is NOT what

the government and healthcare has done for me, so let me rephrase that analogy to fit what

they did. As a child with decaying teeth, I wanted candy, so my parents (the government)

not only gave me candy, they dropped a whole Halloween's bag worth in front of my

face without a care in the world for the state of my teeth, even though they knew something

was wrong. My uncle (doctors) gave me even more because my parents said they'd pay him for it, and

when my dentist (parents) tried to question him and say maybe he should wait until I don't have

any cavities, my aunt pulled me aside and told me how awful it was that the dentist wasn't

supporting my choices, especially because I was ABSOLUTELY positive that my teeth wouldn't

get any worse. Now, my teeth have rotted out of my head and the government, doctors and advocates are

nowhere to be seen to help me with the consequences.

All I could see was the tens of thousands of dollars that I didn't have to feel like Sarah again and

the fact that I felt I'd never have that. It sent me into a deep pit of depression and isolation, and

I couldn't stand the idea of asking for help out of a situation I'd gotten myself into, even if it was

when I was a kid. I realize only recently that it's okay to need and ask for help, and it becomes

easier knowing that I can help others with my story just as I ask for help too.

To the young transitioners, I can't stress this enough, this is a life altering decision that you can

rush into far too easily, but if or when your mind changes, the government WILL NOT help you out of it.

I was in your shoes for twenty years, and now that I'm twenty-one, everything changed. I know it might be hard, I know you feel the way that I did, I know dark thoughts are on the table, but you are loved. You NEED to know what you're doing and why, whether or not your gender dysphoria is self consciousness in disguise, trauma induced or maybe a feeling like you're born as the wrong gender because you don't want to be sexually looked at as your current one. Don't rush into it like I did without going through that list of possibilities, and make sure you don't let society's standards of what certain genders can and can't do or wear ever change who you are.

To everyone in general, you are not alone, I love you. If people can hate and judge for no reason, then I can love for no reason. Even reading this, you've helped me, and to know there are people out there who'll help me through the many physical changes I'd like to revert to be able to see myself when I look in the mirror again is more than I could have ever dreamed of. God bless you, I'm thankful for each and every one of you, my family.


Update #3
October 27, 2023
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Hey, all!

I wanted to leave a little update here, seeing as it's been a couple months since my last one. I'm currently staying in Florida with my boyfriend's family and enjoying one of the churches out here (though I miss the CTK family to death!) while I continue in laser hair removal - I've gone through at least sixteen sessions now, whereas it's supposedly supposed to be far less to see full results, but the new place I'm going to here has me happier and I'm hoping my hormones have settled now completely after my extensive use of testosterone for those five to six years.

I've been getting better at not caring so much about my outward appearance, it's getting easier to see a woman in the mirror, as I always was and will be, and with my last surgical experience (top surgery), I've decided to take time in pursuing further ones - it was a traumatic experience, looking back on it and knowing now the harm I'd be causing myself. At least I'm happy enough now to be able to joke about having grown a beard better than half the men I know. As I've done before, I rushed into doing something once and I don't feel as though it'd be best I do that again. I'm scared of the idea of another surgery, frankly, though sometimes it's hard not to let the negatives get to me; the Adam's apple, lingering /body hair in strange places, a receeding hairline, nerve damage in my chest, sharp pains, tingling and numbness all in one.

Politically and emotionally, plenty of the left AND the right have done us detransitioners wrong. I was emailed by one man who deemed it somehow helpful to tell me that "I know plenty of women who paid big money to have what you had, but you just tossed it all away", but newsflash, honey, plenty of those are the types of women that LIKE being looked at. I just want back what I gave away in the wrong state of mind. I've been talked about as permanently damaged and granted maybe I am in some ways--my joints ache all the time and it feels like I'm being shanked in them when it's too cold, I get constant chest pains which mirror small heart attacks, lasting from 5 to 15 minutes, don't even know if I can have kids--but why is it more common of people to call me mutilated over a brave and a strong person? Do we call women who've had their breasts removed from breast cancer mutilated? No. They're brave, they're strong, and if I'm a pawn of anything or anyone, it's not politics, it's God and my compassion for human beings, who should be treated as such. Love one another.

LGBTQ, I am not your enemy. I see online so much hate toward you from a lot of people, even detransitioners like me, but if I could tell you how much I love each and every one of you, I would. I needed to be told that back then too, that I'm loved, not about who I am or what I am, that I'm loved unconditionally. I know I saw a lot of the people that wanted to help me make sure I wasn't making a mistake and had good intentions as a threat and transphobic back then like a lot of trans identifying people do, so I can't say I don't understand, because that's how badly I wanted to escape being a woman and all the things that had come with it.

What I AM fighting for, however, is to keep gender identities and sexual orientation (especially SOGI teaching little kids about how to perform literal sexual acts with picture books and all) out of schools and away from vulnerable kids like I was who may come to believe it's their only out at such a young age. With the system of processing they'll be directed to, especially nowadays, the Doctors, Nurses Practicioners and therapists will only affirm, affirm, affirm, either for money or out of fear of losing their license, which can happen if they question somebody pursuing transition. These kids are indoctrinated and taught to feel ANGRY when anyone questions them, rather than sit there and think, running through all their traumas, disorders and history (like a therapist should..) - I was angry too. There are too many nonbinary third graders, trans fifth graders, a second grader who identifies as a cat. Too many fetishists taking their kinks to the streets, like grown men with pigtails and diapers walking around the mall. You do you, but if it's like that, keep it to the bedroom and out of women's bathrooms and changerooms, okay? Okay. Not kidding. Enough is enough. Let kids be kids, they shouldn't be seeing this. Even as a detransitioner, when I still had very noticeable hair and an even deeper voice, I wouldn't use the woman's restroom, but the family ones. I didn't want to make them uncomfortable, so I took precautions so that they wouldn't be. Too many fetishists and people who sexually assault are using gender identity to their advantage, so any good person (trans identities or not) should keep this in mind. You might know you're not like that, I might have known I'm a woman and I wouldn't do anything like that, but the other women don't and didn't. Put others before yourself.

In other news, here's a list of example questions I feel like it should be MANDATORY that therapists ask before anyone's exposed to different hormones with a ten foot pole (made well aware of the risks and side effects too). If you're struggling with your identity or know someone who is, maybe these questions will help them as well. I only wish the adults knew what they were doing and asked me some of these.

I love you, homies. Thank you for all your support and thank you for not giving up on me. <3

My email is if anyone wants to reach me just to talk or with ways I can help!

Update #2 Checking In
April 28, 2023
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Hi all, Sarah here!

I wanted to firstly thank everyone for the support, it means the world to me, as do the kind words and love I've received. This update's been long overdue, mostly because I've been fighting my own battles, both mentally and verbally in my own community. I've been doing laser treatments monthly, even if they're taking a lot longer than they're supposed to (likely from a hormone imbalance I may be left with after taking testosterone for around five years), I'm making progress and plan to travel still to Florida for one surgery or another after the fact, but I'm taking my time. 

On another note, the kind words and care I've been given has been the most important factor of all in what I've been going through. Recently, I lost two people I care for to suicide, and I can't stress enough, as I deal with my own depression, just how important it is to ask if somebody's okay, to tell them they're not a burden, because I guarantee they'd feel like they'd be one if they reached out to you, and tell them how much you care. Just because someone's smiling and laughing doesn't mean they're happy, they might have so much going on that they don't even know where to start, maybe they're afraid they'll scare you off and be too much. Humor might be a great coping mechanism but it's only a bandaid on a wound that needs stitches.

 If you suffer from depression too, please don't bottle it up, by more than God you are LOVED and I know times are crazy right now, but there are people just like you, even if they're a needle in a haystack, you are not alone. Take it one step at a time, don't get overwhelmed by thinking about everything, think about tomorrow, not a year from now, and do one thing that will make things a little bit better each day.

I love you guys more than you know. ❤

Update #1 Breast Reconstruction Goal Reached!
October 10, 2022
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Hello all, Lauren here. I just wanted to give a quick update on the fundraiser and Sarah's situation.

We've officially raised enough to cover the cost of breast reconstruction surgery, which is just incredible!

I have removed a few of the goals from the page and reduced the total fundraiser goal as certain things like Voice Feminization training we actually had an expert reach out to assist Sarah with free of charge.

Sarah and her family are just overwhelmed with joy over the outpouring of love and kindness from you all. Your donations and the kindness your sending are without a doubt changing someones life forever.

You haven't just helped Sarah though. While normally I'd let her update the campaign herself, she's been so busy responding to emails from others struggling through their gender identity and detransition. Her story and this campaign have been a beacon of light for so many who have felt lost and alone in a position of detransitioning that our modern culture likes to sweep under the rug. Those forgotten by the government and activists who claimed to love them so much until they no longer want to "play their part".

I am beyond thankful that they can still find love from people like yourselves.

God bless!


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