Goal:
USD $23,600
Raised:
USD $2,600
Campaign funds will be received by Meritt Petrone
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Hello, my name is Meritt Petrone. I am a Catholic Christian, devoted to serving God's people and the Church.
In July of 2025, I will be making my First Profession of the lifelong vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. As a member of a Secular Institute, I will live these promises out in the world serving God's people, my Church and my community. Lay consecrated women in Secular Institutes do not live in community with one another and maintain their financial independence. We do not receive funding from the Institute, rather we live on mission working in whatever field God has called us. Next July will mark a new beginning for me but I am currently faced with major obstacles that pose a threat to this new beginning. These obstacles have led to a great deal of debt that is now keeping me from health, the work I am called to do, and from having a safe stable home to live in.
To give you a timeline of the reasons for this debt:
- In 2020, I became very ill from working in an office which was later found to have 3 types of toxic mold. I became so ill that I had to quit my salaried position leaving me with no income.
- This led to my diagnosis of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and having to learn about and treat the illness without having health insurance.
- Because of my illness kickstarted by the mold I needed to find work that I could do from home as I was often homebound due to not being able to be around environmental triggers that cause me to react. For example, something as simple as going to the grocery store became life threatening because of the laundry detergent aisle.
- I went to school to become a spiritual director which God made clear was the work I was called to do as a Missionary and therefore the tuition is part of this debt. Over $8,000 of this debt is my school and travel expenses I paid to get to the residencies.
- My ministry as a spiritual director immediately began providing for some of my needs - even while I was still in school but could not touch the amount of my bills, debt, or keep up with my growing medical needs. For 4 years now I have had to spend at least $200 dollars a month on medicines that keep are keeping me from having life-threatening reactions. $9,000 or more of this debt is medical in nature.
- Recently, (June 2024) my car has needed over $1600 dollars in repairs.
- The rest of the debt is from specialized food and juicing needs which are helping to detox the mold, and now the heating oil, from further damaging my organ systems.
My previous funding page was made because I needed financial support to pay the rent / deposit / and moving costs to a safe home. After 5 months of looking and meeting with advisors it is clear that my debt is creating an obstacle in acquiring a rental.
There is a rental home that is currently being built by Amish friends of mine. The home is being built with my medical needs in mind. This will be the first time in 14 years that I will be in a home that is free of mold. I need this home.
I need a safe home from which to serve. I need to be in a home which supports my health in mind, body and soul so that I can continue to serve those who are suffering, those who are seeking, and those who are saying yes to the invitations of God. This new home will be just that but I have to be ready to pay the rent. With all of my income going to debt I will not be able to afford rent.
My goal is to raise 1800 a month from July 2024 - July 2025. This will not only enable me to give my yes to the safe home, but my yes to the Lord in consecration! This year we are called to a year of prayer to prepare us for the year of Jubilee starting November 2024: A Jubilee Year of Hope. I am surely in need of Jubilee and I am beyond amazed by God that my First Profession will take place right in the middle of it!
I do not deserve this Jubilee - this freedom from debt - and the provision of a safe home to live in. But it would be a needed rescue so that I can give my all to the One who gave His all for me. I am a fighter and I will keep up the fight to give my complete yes. However, we all need help sometimes. May we all remember that we belong to one another and what we cannot achieve on our own we can achieve together.
Thank you for listening, thank you for your support, and thank you for your prayers.
For more information on MCAS please see https://www.mastcellaction.org/about-mcas
You are in my daily prayers!
May God bless you and your family,
Meritt
I continue to lift you up Meritt, trusting in the Divine Providence for your material and spiritual needs, and if it pleases Our Loving Father to heal you of Physical ailments for the greater glory of His name and His Kingdom. In Jesus name and with the intercession of Our Blessed Mother. Amen!
Praying for you! May you continue to have the strength to patiently wait for the perfect house to come in God’s time.
Continued prayers for you, Meritt
Praying for you Meritt!
praying for you!!
I love you Meritt, I am so terribly sorry for what you are experiencing but wow it sounds like God is pushing you to move right away to a new area! I will be praying.
Prayers are with you.
Praying
Praying for you! 🙏
August 25th, 2024
It was 102 degrees in Maryland, the humidity was high, and I was tired after an seven hour drive. I unpacked three coolers, sheets, towels, my air purifier, and all my luggage. I breathed a sigh of relief when it was done and turned my heart to prayer and rest with my fellow missionaries. I was settled in for my annual retreat with my Secular Institute - a week long time each year when we gather for prayer, learning, fellowship, and the renewing of our vows. Having to bring all my food for the week and everything that it takes to help me survive is no easy task. My dietary needs for my chronic illness do not fit into normal accommodations so all food must be prepared ahead of time, frozen, and brought with me. I cannot use sheets, pillows, or towels not were not washed in unscented detergent or where fabric softener/dryer sheets are used. It is a chore, but one I gladly do to be with my community.
However this year there were extra challenges. Midweek, the air conditioning in my room broke and was unable to be repaired and so I had to move everything I had just unpacked to a room from the 3rd floor to the 2nd. Thankfully, the retreat house staff assisted me, but the project still took a long time, and at that point it was 82 degrees in the old room making packing up even more physically challenging. (Heat is not the friend of people with Mast Cell disease). The next morning in the new room I awoke to see that the air conditioning in the new room was out. The hurricane came through overnight and took out the electricity retreat center wide and we were on generator power which means the air was not running at all for quite a while. This led to multiple rashes on my body and reactions that were so severe I had to take 24 hours off from eating at all and only drink liquids which are easier for my body during a flair.
By the time the air was running normally it was the final day of the retreat. To top it all off one of the retreat center hosted a funeral in the chapel for a beloved Sister who passed and incense filled the chapel and the hallways for a full day making it impossible for me to attend Mass that day with my fellow Missionaries.
The hope, excitement, and gratitude with which I started the week dwindled a bit with every trial. Around the midweek time, after the having to switch rooms, I broke down in tears. "Lord, what is happening? Does all this stuff going wrong mean that I am in the wrong place? Is it warfare? Should I just leave?" I wanted to understand. I wanted to ask why. I had started the week wanting a reprieve from the mold and toxic oil fumes of my home. I wanted a week of fellowship and praying with others since I usually pray alone. I wanted to be encouraged and confident in my advancing to the final year of preparation before making my First Profession. It seemed that what was mostly happening was more physical attack.
I thought of Job.
Job wanted to know why so many sufferings were coming upon him. His friends, in short order, gave him reasons - none of which God approved.
When suffering comes upon us asking why is futile. But detaching ourselves from wanting to know why is often difficult - especially when the evil one comes to condemn us and causes us to doubt.
After my good cry and a talk with a dear fellow Missionary - who did not come to fix - or answer but simply to sit with me in the mourning - I was able to release the why's and make my way down to the chapel.
The words of today's Gospel came to my heart: "To who else would I go?" I sat in the silence before the Lord in the very place where next July I will promise poverty, chastity, and obedience to my Beloved. To who else would I go? Strength from Heaven rose within me and I knew that I needed to stay. I turned my attention from the hardships I faced, to the gifts the Lord was offering me to embrace.
My physical limitations and trials actually led to beautiful conversations of hope, strength, fortitude with some of our elderly Missionaries who were also struggling on the retreat. We were able to encourage each other, lean on each other, and witness the strength of our "yes" to each other: the "yes" that we consecrate ourselves to each day as Missionaries, even amid great difficulties.
In the midst of trials, there was beautiful fellowship, laughter, story telling, sharing, learning, celebrating, and prayer. We bowed our own hearts collectively to the strongest heart in the room, the Sacred Heart of Jesus.
When I returned home, my spiritual director remarked on how amazing it is that I persevered and stayed. Again I responded "to who else would I go?" This is how you know you are called to your vocation. Whether that vocation is marriage, singleness, or consecrated life - the call will keep you - for it comes from the Lord.
As I wait for the new house to be built and seek more work, fighting symptoms caused by the mold and oil in this house that is falling apart, is not easy or fun. But every day I know God is moving and building, brick by brick. He is helping those who are helping me. Home is coming and while it tarries I am waiting the Lord who sustains my yes.
I am 11 months away from that day in that chapel during the year of Jubilee! May that year bring not only my Profession but a new home and all that I need to continue serving God's precious children.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support on my journey. May God keep you in your times of waiting.
July 12th, 2024
Tears streamed down my face. As I drove down the long highway my foot swelled, the itching intensified, and the throbbing made it hard to keep pushing the gas pedal. Almost every bit of me wanted to pull off at the next exit and turn around and go back home. But "not today Satan" kept ringing in my ears. My Parish is an hour from my home and I was on my way to Daily Mass and Morning Prayer. It was the Feast of St. Benedict and I wanted to be at Mass to receive our Lord in the Eucharist and remember a brother in Christ who laid the foundation for western monasticism and consecrated life. A few days ago, this house I'm currently living in decided there was another pain to dish out while I am here in the waiting ... an underground yellow jacket nest. I was walking the dogs when I heard a hum and seconds later multiple yellow jackets attacked my neck, foot, and finger. With MCAS (the chronic illness I battle), yellow jackets stings can be worse as my body does not react appropriately to stings. But thankfully, praise God, I had doubled up on my meds that morning due to waking up with a headache and the extra antihistamine in my body kept the reaction from being worse than it could have been. However, over the past days since the bite the affected areas have continued to grow, swell, and have increased pain and itching. A day that I had already planned to go to daily Mass had turned into a fight.
As I have mentioned before I feel certain that this house my Amish friends are building is going to be suited for me (at least I am having faith that it is) so that bit has felt settled. But there is still this house with the mold, the toxic oil, the yellow jackets, the landlord who is further neglecting the property by refusing to fix anything while we still live here. There are still physical symptoms I face on a daily basis as a result of all these things. And those symptoms make getting out of the house much more difficult.
I have accepted God's timeline and know that the "perfect" house is in the slow cooker. It is being built day by day by followers of Christ who care and understand that we belong to one another.
I have accepted that though I have symptoms God knows that my body is able to withstand them and heal from them as it has before.
This acceptance is surrender to the "it is coming, but is not here yet." I can handle that because I know that while we wait there is a lot of beautiful stuff going on in my soul and spirit. This surrender grows my trust, urges me to wrestle with hard questions, and builds my perseverance - my faith muscles!
But surrender does not always look restful. Many times, like yesterday, it looks like a fight. My surrender says that while I am here in the waiting I will fight these obstacles. I will resolve to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. I will get in the car with one shoe on and go to Mass despite the pain. I will resolve not to let the enemy win and destroy my faith while I wait.
The fear of not having enough money or work to say yes to the Amish house when it is ready does loom large many days. And that fear needs another knock out punch - "I have what I need for today" I respond and turn my gaze to trusting God with tomorrow.
Instead of fighting against surrender may we all learn to fight with surrender.
That surrender is trust in the One Jesus, who was, and is, and is to come. And when we choose Him, the rest matters very little.
May God bless and keep you in His perfect gaze. Thank you for your continued prayers and support.
Peace and good,
Meritt
June 30th, 2024
Today we hear about the woman with the issue of blood who suffered for 12 years. She had gone to all the doctors, sought all the treatment, and spent all the money she had searching for healing. All her earthly resources exhausted, and then she hears of Jesus. She has so much faith in who He is that she defies all social norms and pushes through a crowd to touch just the hem of His garment and she is healed. Set free.
The past 15 years of living in mold have been my long suffered circumstance. It has made my chronic condition flair and caused irreparable damage to my body often leaving me homebound to avoid other exposures. I have sought all the treatment, spent all the money, and exhausted every resource.
Last month, when I tried moving to the Amish apartment it was a movement of faith that was truly God born. I got to step into a land where I was cared for, supported, encouraged. I received a glimpse of what is to come. Fellowship will abound there. The home will be new and mold free! There will be space from neighbors so I am not assaulted by surrounding laundry vents. The landlord will be kind. There will be space to walk, sit, pray, worship, garden foods that will help my body heal. I will have all of the tools I need to support my life, my work, and my yes to God.
I feel very certain that this house my friends are building with me in mind is God's answer to my housing crisis. I feel I have a solution to that part of this complex problem. The matter of where I am going feels certain and so I can rest in God's answer.
But that doesn't mean that it won't be a fight to get there. Here at this house filled with oil and mold, I am still afflicted. The car is still broken. The lack of work and finances threatens my ability to say yes to this new house when it comes.
So what am I doing in the meantime? I am reaching out in faith. I am pushing through the obstacles knowing Jesus holds the answer. God has my healing and freedom in mind.
But I cannot simply come close to the Lord. I must also reach out in faith.
May God show you today what He is calling you to and may you be strengthened in your innermost being to reach out in faith.
Thank you for praying and continuing to journey with me.
July Prayer Request:
Please continue to pray with me for freedom from the debt that keeps me in this toxic house (the goal is 1800 a month leading up to my First Profession starting this week), for more work, and for my continued yes.
June 17th, 2024
Today I published an update to the introduction of my Funding Page due to a change in focus.
Right now, I have faith that this house that my Amish friends are building is going to be a safe place for me to rent long term. WOW! What a day that will be. I have not lived in a house that is mold free in over 14 years!!! That's a lot of abuse that my body has taken and definitely has caused my health to worsen.
Because that move is likely far off it is wisdom at this time to focus on decreasing/paying off my debt so that when the house is complete I will be able to say yes to moving in and be able to pay the rent with the income I earn from providing spiritual direction and care.
I have prayed and prayed about how to direct this funding page and I just kept feeling like so much of what has been happening to me this year is meant to keep me from my First Profession of vows next year.
Next year in 2025 the Church has declared a year of Jubilee. In the Old Testament we hear about the year of Jubilee being a time of freedom from debt and all those who had lost their home could return to it. What a promise! I am praying daily that by my Profession in July 2025 I will not only be in a safe home but also have the means to pay for it.
The journey to a new safe home from which to serve may be much longer than I wanted it to be, but I believe God wants it to be the right home. A place where I can finally live in safety, health, community, calm, and peace - all of which will create sacred space for me to sit with the seeker, the sufferer, the one's who say yes to all the beautiful invitations offered to them by the Father.
Would you join me in praying for Jubilee in my life?
May God bless you and your family.
You are in my daily prayers.
June 1st, 2024
Sometimes when things are really wrong, the best thing to do is to tear it all down and start again.
Some people have wondered what this all means: the Amish apartment not working out. Well friends we see in part. I knew going to the apartment was obedience. What I discovered there went beyond discovering that that apartment was not going to work.
The one night I stayed overnight at the apartment there was a terrible storm. I woke up to the area where my car was had been completely washed away leaving big holes making it hard for me to get my car out. The next day I went to work and returned to the driveway not only being leveled and made smooth but all new gravel had been poured leaving me a safe place to pull my car into. My Amish friend/landlord without asking saw the need and filled it.
That same night an Amish neighbor came to chat and welcome me to the neighborhood. I had never met her before but she came to say hi. We talked about the Lord and the work God has called us to do. She learned about what spiritual direction was and no sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth than she said "Oh my! Then you really need a home where you can be filled up again since you do a lot of pouring out." - She stated the very reason I have been searching for a safe home from which to serve.
Two little interactions, as if God needed me to see, yes, you have heard right, this is the place I am choosing for you. I scouted out the Promised Land - and it was good - and it is worth fighting for.
The physical symptoms I have faced since moving out of the apartment are par for the course. I know how to ride these waves. It doesn't make them pleasant but I do have the tools now to respond and the Lord is with me.
I also came back to realizing that one thing I need to be searching for is a newer build. - HA! add it to the long list of needs in a new home! But it is getting harder to find homes that have not been smoked in, or scented to death, or destroyed by toxic cleaners. One way of answering most of those needs who be a home that is a new or newer build.
But that seemed too much to ask for ...
and then I called my Amish friend to tell her that the apartment wouldn't work out ... do you know what her first words were? "Oh I am so sorry! we will keep you posted on the new home we are building on our farm" This new home I know nothing about. It isn't technically being built for me. I have no idea what size it will be or if it will have the required electric heat/air for me (I can't do gas or oil heat). I have no idea how long it will take to build. I have no idea if I will get enough work by the time it is ready to pay the rent there. I have no idea if I will be chosen to live there. I have no idea if my roommate and I will find a place to rent before then. But those were her words ... without hesitation.
I can imagine these "no idea" thoughts being on the minds of the Hebrews. We are leaving this place of slavery and abuse. We have no idea if there will be food there. We have no idea if we will have what we need. What have no idea if we will all be chosen. We have no idea how to start over. We have no idea how long we will be in the wilderness. We have no idea when, or if, we will enter the Promised Land.
As I sit here writing this I remember previous updates about everyone using the word "perfect" in reference to the next place I am going to live. If this Amish house is built, and I am chosen, and God provides I can see it being just that!
I am not hanging my hat on this new home, but it feels like a dream that maybe, just maybe, will come true.
In the meantime, I wait. I pray. I grow in patience and steadfast love of the Father. I believe - even when its hard. I trust and I walk.
The story may not be a great one now. But I think maybe, just maybe, it will be!
Thank you for your continued prayers. The funding raised on this page will go towards paying rent to a house that will be healthy for me to live in and serve from. You have my great big gratitude for all gifts and prayers.
May 22nd, 2024
So what now?
Well, I get on my knees and pray. I trust the One who knows it all. I keep talking to my Amish friends. I keep looking. I keep trusting. I keep persevering. I give my "yes" again today.
I am still astounded that I made it through these past 7 days with only a few tears shed. There's a detox station set up outside, inside upstairs, and inside downstairs. All fabrics that were brought there first have to go into a vinegar and baking soda wash, then an extra long cycle with castille soap and my safe detergent. Then they might be salvageable. Other things are baking the smell out in the sun. Everything is getting scrubbed with hydrogen peroxide. The house is a total wreck. It's going to take days, possibly weeks, to get it all done.
I will not mourn what needs to be thrown out, it is stuff. God will provide. Should I have to throw out a pan because the toxic smells were absorbed by the rubber handle? No, I think that's insane! But is it safe to use now? No. Does all this loss stink (ha, literally and figuratively) yes! But right now good stewardship means detoxing what I can and holding everything else loosely.
I could ask why. I could doubt that I heard God. I could settle into disappointment. I could ... and for a few minutes I probably visit that space.
But here's what I know ... trials don't get to determine whether I heard God or not.
This first apartment wasn't it. But I did make the connections with my Amish friends, and that is still very likely to lead to something. I did obey. I did try. I was brave. I learned how strong my body is even when it is really really sick. I learned that I have gained so many skills in persevering.
2024 may not be my year. But you know what? I already know that 2025 is. 2025 is the year of Jubilee! A year of freedom, of promise, of great faith. Since I was 6 years old I knew I would take the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. God-willing that will happen next July. Yes! my YES gets to occur in the year of Jubilee.
Should it shock me then that 2024 is a year of great trial? No. But trial doesn't get to determine God's voice. God has asked me to be consecrated in the Church and despite every setback in health, finances, ministry, having a safe place to soar and serve I plan on giving my yes.
Whether the "yes" you are called to live is dressing 5 kids for school every morning, running a business, fighting for a godly marriage, or pursuing a religious vocation, etc. your "yes" to Truth matters. In a world full of lies, deceit, and an abandonment of Jesus those of us still saying yes are more important that ever. Your "yes" matters and it is worth fighting for. Persevere: immovable and steadfast. Fight for your "yes" and fight for declaring the Truth of who God is even in the midst of great trial.
Nunc Coepi!
Funds Update: I have returned this page to raising funds for moving out so that when the right place comes along I can give another yes. Thanks be to God.
May 20th, 2024
There are probably at least 5 movies that have a title related to a long journey home, a long road home, etc and I feel like I am living in every single one of them.
When we got the initial tour of the Amish apartment we did not smell anything offensive. Windows were open and the tour was very very quick (less than 5 minutes) since someone was still living there.
When I moved in I knew immediately there would be a major problem for me. There were plug-in's everywhere, scented sachets, more toxic cleaners than walmart stocks, air fresheners everywhere. The walls, floors, and chairs appear to have been cleaned with scented laundry detergent.
This is a lot of people's nightmare but for people with MCAS it is a life or death situation. People with MCAS suffer not only with allergies but with overactive mast cells that when triggered send over 150 chemicals throughout the body causing multi-system failure. MCAS sufferers are often known as canaries in the mine: send us into a house with mold, scents, toxins, and you will find us having almost immediate multi-system reactions. It is very serious. If we have these reactions it only shows what people who use these products suffer long term - brain fog, cancer, dimentia, damaging walls/floors/possessions, etc It's an endless list and I only wish we understood these things. My world has gotten so small as there are so few places that are now "safe" for me to go.
I have been cleaning and detoxing the place for 6 days now to no avail. I have to work in short spurts or else I get anaphylactic. This is extremely dangerous work for me but because this may be my only housing solution to get out of the heating oil ridden house and I wanted to do what I can in order to see if this is going to be feasible. Right now, it is not looking good. There are more toxins in these three tiny rooms than I have seen in the past 5 years.
I am managing my symptoms which is not easy but it is part of journeying with this chronic illness.
I have not been able to sleep there yet. I am not sure if that's going to happen. The years that the Amish residents non-Amish mother lived there she simply inundated the house with scent.
So the search for a safe home continues. Unless there is some sort of de-scenting miracle before the end of May it looks as if I will be back in the oil house for June.
God knows how this will all work out. But 2024 is not my friend.
It's truly very hard to not give up on the thought of ever having a non-moldy, non-scented, non-falling apart safe place from which to serve and soar. Come Holy Spirit...
Please say unscenty prayers 🙂
May 10th, 2024
It was almost four years ago that I was struck down with illness so bad that I didn't think I was going to live. I was having migraines multiple times per week, blurred vision, joint pain so bad I could not walk some days, asthma attacks, anaphylaxis, frequent gall bladder attacks, rashes, etc. I had no idea what was going on with my health and with no access to health care it was going to be hard to find out.
After months of these symptoms I was able to see three doctors all of whom said that I have Mast Cell Activation Syndrome or MCAS. In our bodies we have a type of cell called a mast cell, they are in every organ system of the body. People with MCAS have mast cells that do not function as they ought, when they are exposed to things that make a particular person react they send over a hundred chemicals raging through the body - causing a variety of serious symptoms. The triggers that cause these life-threatening symptoms range from foods, to chemicals, perfumes/essential oils/laundry detergents, viruses, heat/cold, etc. This makes you pretty homebound as it is rather difficult to avoid any of this. My whole life made sense now, the strange symptoms as a child, the breathing problems, the joint pain, the extreme head to toe rashes, having doctors telling me at 21 that I had arthritis, the list goes on ...
This disease flares at times for long periods of time. This flare I am speaking of was caused by a high level of mold that was present in the offices at a new job I had taken at my parish. Within 6 months of taking that job, I was left unable to function and was forced to quit.
Yet God had a plan, I was already in training for becoming a spiritual director! Though it was hard to go through my 2 and a 1/2 year program while fighting these symptoms and the system to try to get health coverage I had teachers who allowed me to make whatever adaptations I needed at the residencies. Almost immediately I began receiving directees! This started giving me a small income while I healed, yet it was nowhere near what I would need to pay my basic life sustaining bills.
Here we are four years later. My body had made such great progress, my symptoms were lessening, and I was starting to be able to eat more normally. (MCAS greatly affects what you can and cannot eat). Roots and Wings Ministries, the spiritual direction practice God had given me to steward, was growing. My religious vocation was flourishing. I was even getting to a point where I thought I might be able to find a job outside of the home so that I could once again have a salary that would support me financially. And then the oil spill ....
Within weeks of the oil spill I was back where I was in October of 2020.
What I have learned from having a chronic illness is fighting surrender. You have to learn to listen to your body, when to push it, and when to let it rest. You quickly find that you cannot go at the pace of the world. You begin to embrace living a Sabbath way of life. What does that mean?
Well, it used to be that I would work very hard all the time Monday through Saturday, rest on Sunday, and then start the whole process all over again. Twice a year I would take a week long retreat to rejuvenate my body, soul, and spirit. It was a pace I could sustain and also flourish in.
After the diagnosis this pace was dashed! My body can no longer go from Monday to Saturday without being aware of my pace. I am back to very careful listening, back to restricting activities, back to carefully choosing food, back to a Sabbath way of life. Retreats are a thing of the past for now, as I have been unable to find a retreat house that isn't struggling with mold after the pandemic. (the cabins/rooms were shut up for so long without circulation that my familiar places of respite are no longer options for me). Life is again different.
As I look for a new home, it seems God knows ;) what I need. The places of retreat are now going to have to come to me. My daily life will take on the rhythms of work, prayer, and rest. Listening is my language. Listening to my body, listening to the stories of my directees, and most of all listening to God.
Spiritual direction is the call God has put on my life and that means that I often sit with the suffering, the wanderer, the seeker, those saying yes, those struggling to say yes, the discerner ... Those stories need space. Next year, God-willing, I will be taking vows professing poverty, chastity, and obedience ... this also requires a simpler way of life. My two calls are coming to maturity.
This next place where I will live is about asking God for the tools of the trade. It is not selfish, it is simply asking God for what is needed to safely serve and soar.
I need a home that is a retreat - so that as I receive a story I can release that story into the prayer it deserves before I receive the next one. I need a home that will nurture and support my body and not assail it with mold and fumes, I need a home that will be a place of prayer where I can have some level of distraction free space to empty myself of me and fill myself up with the Lord. I need a home that will support me to live a sabbath way of life. A life defined by listening so this earthen vessel can hold what is of Him, release what is not, and be strengthened to do the work.
This week, in just a few days, I will be doing the 2 week trial at the Amish apartment to see if Brother Leo here is going to get on board with the sabbath way of life. lol :D If that goes well, I will stay for June. If it does not, I will have to keep looking. If June goes well, I will stay for July. And if way is made, and July goes well, I will stay for August ....
My spiritual direction practice is not yet to a place where it will sustain rent in this apartment haven or pay for a place I find while still searching. I am working as hard as my body will allow and am praying for increase and new job opportunities that will support and not steal what God has already asked me to say yes to. But always, I must trust God for my daily bread. If I am only given this respite from the oil spill for two and half months then I receive it as gift, from God and all of you, and know that the Lord has a plan that I cannot yet see.
Thank you for your continued prayers, support, care, and for your own yes's that you are giving to God.
In the peace of Christ,
Meritt
April 26th, 2024
My last post was about a miracle in the making and its certainly true. So today I am going to share some of my precious noticings of what God is doing!
One day I was in prayer and felt the strong invitation to write to my Amish friends about 30 minutes from my current house (the oil ridden one). I was hesitant because I had not seen them in over 8 years! But I could not ignore the urge from the Holy Spirit. So I wrote the letter and put it in the mailbox with a prayer. About a week later I received a phone call from the family (this order has phones and electricity but are still horse and buggy) inviting me to dinner to reconnect. The part of this phone call that was so awesome is that my friend said "Meritt, its so interesting that we received the letter on the day we did because just before receiving it we were sitting on the couch chatting and wondered how you were doing and what you were up to. We had not really mentioned your name in years! Just a few days later we got your letter!" It was a beautiful reminder that God goes ahead of you.
Shortly after the phone call I went to dinner and got to see her children, now all grown and married, and with children of their own. The friendship between myself and this family is still strong even after years of no contact. It was a beautiful reconnection.
After the visit things went quiet for a bit, but not quiet in prayer. God kept drawing my heart to the area they live in. In other words, He kept the conversation going.
A few weeks later I received another phone call that the family has a one bedroom apartment that I can rent out as temporary emergency housing to get me out of the toxic fumes for a while as we continue to search for a place where both myself and my housemate can rent. It's not a permanent solution but if it works out it could me a much needed respite for my body and from the stress of living in this unhealthy environment.
It took a lot of praying, a lot of discernment, and a lot of counsel to determine whether I should use funds already raised for a deposit to a place my housemate and I can rent together on this temporary solution. Yet there was something deep down in my spirit that said I need to make this first step. It was as if God was saying just move your piece one square on the board (so to speak) as if this one step is a key to unlocking something more. I received a confirmations after making the decision to try it out. So I feel peace about this one step.
I am happy to announce that from May 15th - May 31st I will be doing a short trial of living at the apartment to make sure that Leo (my mini poodle) does not drive the family whose house is attached to the apartment crazy with his barking. Chickens, ducks, other dogs, horses, buggies are all new for him and it might prove too much.
However, it is absolutely worth trying! If all goes well and Leo and I adjust well I'll stay there for June as well as we keep searching for something more permanent.
Right now I have funding raised from this campaign to live there for half of May, June, and July. If all goes well and I stay there I will eventually have to purchase a new mattress (current mattress will not fit in the apartment and is ruined by the oil) and a portable washing machine that will work in the apartment (I cannot use the washer there because they have used heavily scented detergents and because of my chronic illness this is not feasible) Any funds that come in through this page in the next two months will go to those costs.
Taking the one step God shows you can feel risky and scary. It can seem like you are wasting resources or time or even sowing into doubt that the "perfect" is not coming. But God says that we see in part, that we are called to live by faith, that we are not to store up manna but to go to Him every day for Bread.
Maybe God knows my body cannot make it another few months in this toxic house and so He is graciously providing a haven until the more permanent home arrives. (I have continued to experience increases in symptoms so this could well be the reason.) Maybe God knows that being in this location will put me in the position to be the first person to see a rental sign go up outside a house (in this rural area not many people advertise online). Maybe God knows that I'll be there for a conversation that will unlock a door I do not yet see. The why doesn't matter. The Who I place my trust in does matter.
This one first step is agreeing with how God wants to answer this prayer for rescue right now.
What step of faith has God placed in front of you? What is keeping you from taking it? Have courage, agree with God even when you cannot see the steps way out in front of you.
Current prayer request: Please pray that Leo settles well during the trial period of May 15-31st which could lead to safe home to stay in temporarily for the summer.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, support, and for making this ability to say yes to this first step possible. I am so grateful!
April 17th, 2024
Another update so soon! YES! Because it is worth it.
Along this journey since the last time I posted an update that included lists of my "noticings" of God's movements towards rescuing us from this housing situation many more noticings were happening that I did not post.
They were so special, so sacred, so unbelievable that I found it hard to hope and believe that they were truly God and not just my own desires. Each time another one came I seemed to sit there in awe and pondered each one in my heart. Could it really be? Could my desires be merging with God's? Could these messages that have long been in my heart really have originated with Christ?!
Sometimes in life we simply want things, even crave things. We seek after pleasures of the flesh even ones that we have not deemed "bad" for us. As a spiritual director one thing I help my directees do is to discern if it is God that is placing that desire in their heart or if it is their own desire. One question I always ask is: Has the desire stuck around and stood the test of time? If God is Creator and He created the desire He will keep creating conversation about your heart in it. I don't mean a week, a month, but several months even many years!
I have had a desire in my heart for over 20 years. Similar to my vocation to consecrated life it has not gone anywhere. But because over the years it has felt like such a beautiful desire, such a glorious desire, such a nurturing desire, something I do want with not just my spirit but my whole being I thought surely I just "want" this thing. For over 20 years I have been placing that dream back into God's hands, surrendering it, laying it down ... and God has kept giving it back ...
Those noticings I mentioned at the beginning of this post were about this dream. God was asking me to hold it, to protect it, to fight for it, to nurture it in prayer, to believe that IN Him it is possible.
Over these past several weeks I have been receiving those noticings and praying into them, agreeing with God for them. Standing firm. Setting my face like flint. Even though I was terrified to do so.
While I wait for this seemingly impossible miracle I would ask God "but what if I pass up another opportunity/house/solution that is truly You and lose Your actual answer because I am fervently hoping for this miracle I think is You and am pursuing it with all my heart?" It came back to confidence in my ability to hear and know the Shepherd's voice.
If I stand on Truth and am honest with myself God hasn't talked to me about any other house or any other area and I have been pursuing houses I find we have just not gotten approved for any of them.
This morning I settled in for a day of concentrated prayer. And after my morning prayer time I said "It's time! It's time to break this cycle of living in places that do not set me up for safely serving."
Two minutes later ... I got a phone call.
I cannot share details yet. I cannot even share my noticings I have received along the way. I cannot even say there is a definite solution yet.
But what I can say with full confidence is that there is a miracle in the making. And now is not the time to be faint of heart. It is time to pray it through. Allow myself to hold the dream, full well knowing now that it is born of God, and pray it through.
Will you help me pray it through?
I will share all of the noticings, details, and answers when I am released to do so but for now I ask you to help me pray it through.
April 16th, 2024
I have been quiet for a while. A lot has been going on, but mostly a break needed from saying "no, there are no updates." It has been 2 and 1/2 months since the oil spill. We are still experiencing oil fumes in the home, in the water, in our appliances, in the air we breath outside. We have gone and looked at several more houses and we have either not gotten them or the house has not been suitable. We have no prospects of houses to even view this week. It all looks as if we are experiencing silence and void and that our situation is hopeless.
But also in the past two weeks I have had training for a new contract job which required a lot of attention and the vocation director who saw me through the first 3 years of my formation with my Secular Institute shockingly passed into glory last week.
God's timing is always perfect. He gives us just what we need for each day. This housing hunting thing was not something I had time or physical/emotional energy for the past two weeks. I believe God knew that ... and so this silence, this void, may have truly been what I needed for a little while.
I was able to give my attention to my work and to my grief over this terrible loss and that was where my attention needed to be.
Perhaps now that those things are over God will let me know what He has been up to while I have been otherwise engaged.
So how am I getting through this trying time as it persists? I am trying to not borrow trials from tomorrow and solve them today. I am trying to rest knowing that the good He has given me today is enough for today. God knows all things and so I am learning more and more to trust that when I have other things going on, He is not too busy to keep working on it, He still sees, He still knows, and has not forgotten.
I cannot be everywhere but He can.
I cannot work on what is too much for my frame, but nothing is too much for His.
Today Lord, help us to rest in what we have been given today, our daily bread, and trust that You are holding our tomorrow.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support. I am praying for you!
March 22nd, 2024
As we approach Holy Week all I can think about is the magnitude of the miracle.
A long time ago a group of followers walk with joy, Truth, and the hope of deliverance. Prophecies and last words were shared. Christ was welcomed with high praise in one moment and in the next deals of betrayal were made. Money was exchanged. The last meal was held and Jesus knelt to show the way of true leadership. Prayers were so intense they burst blood vessels in the head of our Lord. Capture was inevitable. Silent glances held more Truth than any words being spoken. Torture, mockery, abuse, and trial beyond our imagination became a game. The world became dark. All promises seemed to die. All hope faded. Astonishment, shock, and disbelief rocked the hearts of those who followed the Lamb. It seemed as if death had won.
I am walking through this holy week in a new way this year. The magnitude of the miracle I need is baffling. At the start of the year I had so many hopes and dreams. My health was beginning to improve. I dreamed of another year of sowing into, praying for, growing and loving the ministry God has gifted me with stewarding. I got a new contract job which was not going to add much income but it would add something and more importantly led to a great connection. And then this tragedy ... and day by day things began being stolen ... my health, my safe place to live, clothing, appliances, possessions ... the list goes on. So many applications for homes have been submitted, many homes have been viewed and they have all led to nothing. The financial impact of my landlord's choices will likely affect me for years and years to come. But even worse than that we are still without a safe place to live. The days are growing dark. Gas-lighting has occurred. The loss is great. Promise feels far off. Fears of paying for a new amount of rent when my work has not increased and when my diminishing health affects the additional jobs I can acquire loom large. Even if we do get a new house - how will I pay my share? I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of the miracle needed.
The most profound day of Holy Week for me is strangely enough Holy Saturday. It is a day of silence and solitude, of absence, of not gathering as the Body in the typical way. Somehow in North Carolina on it often is gloomy and rainy on that day. It is a day of mourning, waiting, and wondering.
In my own life that is where I am - in Holy Saturday - the tragedy has already occurred - there is nothing we can do to change it. Hope feels far off. Being in this house right now is like being outside that tomb. Waiting for the miracle, wondering if it will come, asking all the questions, dealing with the shock ... and clinging to the hope that God is who He says He is. The miracle maker.
In a day, hopefully not too far off, way will be made. The phone call will come. The door will open. New keys will be given to us. More work will come. A move will happen. The Perfect will come and set things right. And I will once again be safe to serve and safe to soar.
The hardest part of this journey is being okay with that not being today ...
Why do I do spiritual direction? Because if we are honest, much of our lives here on this earth are spent in Holy Saturday. In the in-betweens. In the waiting. In the journey. In the fasting and the prayer and the wondering. Transformation happens in these in-betweens. The holding out of hope and sitting with the magnitude of the miracle needed.
Whether that is deliverance from an unsafe living environment, praying for family members to turn to God, escaping an abusive relationship, going through trial after trial battling a chronic illness, sitting with your suffering child ... whatever it is having someone journey with you and helping you find the flowers to gaze upon along the way is a great gift.
If you are in a Holy Saturday season looking at the magnitude of the miracle you need, know that I am praying for you. You are not alone.
I am praying for you, please pray for me as we wait for the Alleluia!
March 16th, 2024
Quick update: No house yet. No possibilities that we know about. Still here in the oil house, waiting on the Lord.
Lent, the wilderness, the time of waiting, the time of wandering, the time of wondering, the time of worshipping ... Lent
I have been quiet for over a week now about our situation, for several reasons.
First of all, this is a hard journey. My body is adjusting to breathing differently, to new symptoms, to dealing with reactions, to the pollen (we cannot keep our windows closed due to the fumes, which is letting in the North Carolina pollen shower), etc. This has been so physically hard.
Secondly, hope is not always easy to find during this journey. Yes, I have questioned why we cannot find a new home. I have questioned why our answer is tarrying. I have questioned if God remembers our plea. I have battled despair, anxiety, and the feelings of being forgotten. That's something I have need to wrestle through and focus on simply taking the little steps. Packing a couple boxes to remind me we are leaving. Praying before a meeting with a directee to remind me there is still important work to be done. Going for a drive around the areas where we are looking to listen to the Lord. Going to Mass and laying it all down at the foot of the cross again, and again, and again. I have needed time and space to do this.
Today there is Lent ...
My devotional today shouted that the Lord's timing is perfect and that He will answer. As all hope seemed lost when Lazarus died, resurrection came when it would do and mean the most to those who witnessed it.
This seems silly but some days I wake up to a list of emails from all the rental sites and see the prices for monthly rent set at $2500 or above and quickly delete them. I check the rental maps and do not see any new availabilities and I think the promise is never coming. But recently a new prayer has been coming out of my heart on the good days: "Lord, thank You for not letting us get the wrong house, lead us to the right one." It still shocks me when I hear myself saying it. Trust in His timing is not easy. Trust is not our "go-to" nature in life. But trust does have to grow. Trust is an amazing invitation to get to know another side of God and so I yield to the Teacher.
I don't know why we are still here breathing in these fumes ... but I know it will not stay this way.
One of the footsteps I have continued to get is the word "perfect" and the word "dream." I have admittedly resisted these words because they seem impossible and too good to be true. For 13 years now, I have settled for places to live in that were not perfect, that were not the dream, that have had mold, that have flooded, that have caused great anxiety. Holding out for what is "perfect" for me is tough ... but let's be clear we are not turning down any houses while we believe God for the perfect. We have not gotten any of the houses we have tried for and we are not really sure why. Yet God, keeps giving me those same words "perfect" and "dream" over and over again from people who do not know one another. One person recently asked me what perfect was, to actually tell her what perfect would look like. It was actually rather painful to do. But as I spoke of "perfect" I heard the words healing and healthy, heart desires and secret wishes, safety and supports, a place to serve and a place to soar, I heard God's heart for me.
I don't know if we will get the "perfect" but when God keeps saying something over and over you begin to watch and waiting becomes more tolerable.
Lent is here. It has come with its temptations to despair, its temptations to strive for a solution, its temptations to turn from trusting God. But we wait for the Perfect One. We wait for Resurrection.
Thank you for your continued prayers and support. May God bless you and guide your feet on the way to peace,
Meritt
February 29th, 2024
It has been a week ...
We went to look at a house that had promise only to discover that the open house was only for show - applications had already been submitted and it was first come first serve. The house would have been a good fit but we discovered was right next to a multi-acre plastic processing plant, so probably not a great choice for a person with chronic illness anyway. Yet ... it was the last house on the list. There are now no more houses for us to apply for or go look at and so we wait.
Looking at this house led to a discussion - we cannot stay - no matter what we cannot stay. I have had a whole new slew of symptoms this week. It's been raining and for whatever reason that is making the heating oil fumes in the house rise to a level where it is causing dizziness, nausea, and migraines. We cannot stay.
And so we let the landlord and her team know ... before we have a place to go ... we announced we are leaving. Scary ... right? Yes. We do not know where we are going we just know we cannot stay.
So 30 days (if that) to find a house, pack, and move. All while my roommate are working full time jobs and fighting sickness.
What do you do when the night persists? Agree with God's plan.
We know beyond a shadow of doubt God is telling us to move with urgency despite the obstacles. So we stand on His Word to us and His confirmation of that Word and we leap. We trust. We muster our hope. We believe.
and we remember ...
Years ago I was living in a town, on a mountain, in a job that truly was killing me. I was teaching in a special education classroom but midyear the principal made my classroom both the autism room and the room for children with severe behavior disorders. Needless to say the two did not mix. I knew I could no longer stay. I drove home one day and said "Lord what do I do?" and clear as day (not audible) I sensed the Lord say "give your landlord 30 day notice." I almost had to pull over to the side of the road. WHAT GOD? What did you say? Repeat that! He did :/ His words were the same. I went home and paced back and forth in my apartment for a long time and gave God a list of all my reasons why I was not going to obey that word. The biggest being I was a teacher and the state was in a hiring freeze - meaning no teacher could be hired in the state due to budget restraints. I reminded God of this. I can't go somewhere without a job. I also can't go to another county without a house to live in. But in obedience I updated my information in the teacher hiring portal and ... I called the landlord ... and I told my current job on the last day of school that I was not returning the following school year. And then I prayed ... and pouted ... and prayed ... and argued ... and worshipped ... and dared to trust.
Two days later, yes 48 hours, I got a call from a principal at a school and she said "we saw your profile on the teacher portal, and you are the person we have been praying for" Um what? I asked for clarification and asked how it was that they were hiring in the midst of a hiring freeze. She said we need a very specific skill set for this new classroom we are opening - and we believe its you. Would you be willing to do an over the phone interview right now? yes I said. She explained that they were able to hire for this classroom because it was a new classroom and had no current staff. The next day I received a job offer and accepted it. Two days later I found a house to rent in the exact county I wanted to live in. In the course of 7 days I notified the old of my departure, the King of the Universe swooped in, and made all things new.
Writing that story now, I actually get a little sick in my stomach. It seems like a story about another person. Maybe I'm older and not wiser, but rather older and less trusting and more fearful. But it was me. I am that same person. And so what He did once, He can do again.
When we are in the desert wandering, in the night and cannot see, or the valley of the shadow we do not have to pretend like it is all okay. We do not have to enjoy it, or suffer with joy.
But we do have to keep listening, watching, waiting, and recalling who He is when the world tries to sell us a different version of God than the one we know.
He taught us to remember for a reason ... because we forget.
Psalm 9:1-2
I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart;
I will recount all of your wonderful deeds.
I will be glad and exult in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.
May the Lamb receive the reward of His suffering. May He receive a people who remember and recount His wonderful deeds in the presence of our enemies.
Tonight I am rejoicing over a home I have not yet seen that is being built through prayers, little children on their knees, mamas and papas fasting for our cause, Masses being said for us, people looking at every rent sign they pass, and gifts from His people who are being used to remind me that even in a lost and broken world God is still triumphant. I am so grateful for your prayers, love, and continued support. Thank you for building me a home, I cannot wait for its arrival and to share it with you.
February 24th, 2024
I so look forward to the day that I can write that I am in a safe home from which to serve the Lord and His people. That is not today yet it will be one day soon ... it has to be. Each day continues to be a health battle and each day I fight fears. Some days I get knocked down by the weight of the worries but by His grace I get back up again. I worry that the right house will not come along. I worry that the funds won't be there when it does to get us moved, pay deposits, replace what has been destroyed by the oil, etc. I worry that my car won't get me there. I worry that my health is going to keep deteriorating before I am able to move. The list goes on ... and on.
The other day I did one of those "coming up for air days." This day had extra times of fellowship with other sisters in Christ, a lot more silence, the Sacrament of Reconciliation, Mass, and praying Evening Prayer (Vespers) in community. It was a beautiful day. I did not really expect much out of the day except for a break from the heaviness and the joy that the Sacraments bring to me. But in His typical fashion God outdid Himself. During the Sacrament of Reconciliation I confronted my fears about the move and strove to get to the heart of those fears. And in one simple sentence the Priest invited me to the root of it: Remember God is your Father.
I was not sure why that hit me so deeply but it did and on the long (1 hr 15 min) drive home from Mass it became clear. I have not prayed for the new house in confidence because I did not feel like I had the right to ask for what I truly need from this new place. To others a yard that has distance from the neighbors seems excessive or somehow extravagant. My need for electric heat (not gas or oil) is some well meaning people have not understood my need for. Me not just jumping into another house as fast as possible, despite the condition of the home is not something some friends understand. But on the way home I kept hearing that sentence: Remember God is your Father.
I don't need the electric heat because of personal preference - I need it because gas and oil heat aggravate my health condition severely.
I don't need a yard surrounding the house because I want to be extravagant - I need it because for years now I have been afraid to go outside of my house because we live in very close proximity to our neighbors houses and the fumes from their very very scented clothes dryers fills my yard and immediately causes a full blown reaction in multiple organ systems of my body. I can end up sick for two weeks after a two minute time of taking my dog out in these fumes. Not all chronic illnesses are visible ...
I don't need a house in good condition because I am snooty or stuck up but for the past (I counted yesterday) 13 years of my life I have lived in homes with mold - the key factor causing these worsening symptoms in my body.
These needs are not extravagant and they are not wants ... they are truly needs.
But the Lord begged me to continue this conversation with Him on the drive home.
What else do you need Meritt?
I need a home that can be a place of healing and deep peace. A place where I can pray, prepare for my First Profession next year, and physically heal. A haven of peace. A place where I can can wake up to prayer and joyfully serve in the many ways that He has called me. Safe to soar. Safe to serve.
Does our Father not know what we need even before we ask?
The ride home clarified my right to pray confidently for what I need in this new home and to stand in faith for it ... to wait ... even though the waiting is painful ... for the right home.
There are many other features in a home that I would love to see or have and those would be bonuses. Little hugs and smiles from Heaven. But this conversation with the Father allowed me to stand firm in what I truly do need. It also refined the areas/locations that I need to search in which was also helpful as well.
And so I wait ... in hope ... and remember that God is my Father. He knows what my body and my spirit need in this next season. And I believe He will answer ... a Father doesn't always give us what we want but He will give us what we need and that is something worth holding on to.
Please continue to pray and share this page. Thank you all and you are in my prayers.
February 20th, 2024
Hello friends and followers,
Some people would like to know some non-financial ways that they can help and some others would like information on the breakdown of the amount needed.
Tech aspects first since they are no fun at all:
Financial needs just to get out of this house are right around $5,000 (I have 2,000 of that raised).
This includes the application and moving in fees that people are charging, the pet deposit, my half of the rent deposit, my half of the first month's rent, and mover's costs.
The remaining money I am asking for will cover my half of the rent while I am still growing my spiritual direction ministry to cover basic life sustaining bills and look for work that will cover the new rent which will be at minimum double what I am paying now. (because of the market and because of how low my current rent has been - now we know why it was so low :/ )
So here's the breakdown:
Once the goal on this page says $3,000 has been reached that should see me through moving out. This is the urgent part of the fundraising goal.
Then I will update the page to indicate how many months rent is secured for as I heal from all of this chemical exposure, look for more work, and grow my spiritual direction practice.
Please keep in mind that while we are at this house we are having to run multiple air purifiers just to survive and now are having to bring bottled water into the house as the oil has seeped into our water pipes. (I had to look it up when I started smelling heating oil come out of the tap - yes it can, and does, happen). In addition our dryer has been pulling in the fumes from the heating oil and will not be able to follow us to the new house. These are also expenses we were not planning on.
I hope this answers financial questions - feel free to email me if you would like more information.
Ways to Pray and Support in a non-financial way
1. Pray that our bodies are protected from the effects of living in an unsafe environment.
2. Pray that we find a house as soon as we are able that is safe for us to live in and serve the Lord from.
3. Pray for hope and faith to rise because this is not easy.
4. Pray that we find a landlord who is kind and cares about their property as much as we will.
5. Pray for wisdom as we seek the Lord's face about what actions need taken on this current property.
6. Pray that funding comes in so that the moment we find something we can go without hesitation.
7. Pray that God blesses me with more directees. Share my website if you are so led: www.rootsandwingsministries.org
8. Pray for my protection against reactions as we view houses because these are not homes where I will am protected from cleaners/fragrances/smoke etc. I never know what I am walking into and my body is already severely compromised due to the oil spill.
Please know you are all in my prayers daily. I thank you for your support, cares, and shares.
February 17th, 2024
Here's the quick technical update: We are still looking for a safe home in which to serve the Lord. The oil fumes and other chemicals are still invading the house. My health has been poor. But God is faithful and someday soon we will be in a place we can call home, heal, and invite others in to heal too.
Spending Time with Our Suffering Christ: What about the days when it feels like it is all going wrong?
Yesterday was one of those days ... the house is still filled with fumes, my dryer broke so I cannot do laundry until its fixed, the tires on my car are going bald, there's something wrong with my car's fuel injector, my health is deteriorating, we were let down a few times this week when we were all ready to go view a house only to find out the house has gas heat (which I cannot have due to my health condition), I had to pay quite a bit in taxes, its time for the dogs to go to the vet (another expense) ... the list goes on ...
It is enough to cause me to panic or spiral into fear or sink into hopelessness.
I could ask why this is all happening - and why it is all happening at the same time - but that is not a question I may ever have answered.
So what do I do?
I plant my feet on the floor and I start reminding myself there's food in the fridge for today, there's a roof over my house today, my health is poor but I am still able to function, my car is working for today, the laundry can wait, the bills are paid for today, I remind myself of the footprints I have noticed and followed so far.
I remind myself that I serve the God of the present. He holds the past and future and I am not meant to bear their weight. I am meant to stay with Him here - in this moment ... with my daily living Bread of Life.
and before I know it ... reason returns, emotions settle, and I can invite the Lord into this suffering space ... it is a space He knows well.
When things go wrong we can become paralyzed - rightfully so - we can feel like the sun is never going to shine like this long shadow will never end. We can fall into fear thinking things are hopeless and never going to improve.
To be very honest, during this particular trial, I have had more of these days - the suffering days - than I have had of the ones where I feel have felt filled with hope. (Much of that has to do with the physical symptoms I haven't seen in 3 years returning - going backwards is no fun.)
But when those days of shadow are too plentiful, I remember that our suffering Christ is with me. He's not happy about what is happening in my life and He is working in ways I cannot see to make the sun shine again. He knows and sees what I do not know or see right now.
Practically, when the darkness becomes too great I respond by coming up for air. Sometimes you just really need to take a break from trial.
Right now that means taking a day off from looking for a house - freeing myself from staring at what feels like a hopeless cause; returning frequently throughout the day returning to concentrated prayer so I am surrounded by and reminded of, Truth; coloring or doing a puzzle - releasing pressure and doing something that has no expectation; rest - adapting to what my body needs as its battling to work.
During our Lord's times of suffering He spent time in the garden, He had times of concentrated prayer, He stayed in fellowship, He shared meals, He kept the rhythms of prayer and rest - all to prepare Him to keep walking in the shadow until His glory was revealed.
In times like these, spending time with our suffering Christ releases us from the shackles of the need for everything to be okay/secure/settled/healed all of the time and instead learn how to wait for the Alleluia and light to return.
During this season of Lent, we embrace the wilderness, a time of unknowing, a time of waiting, and a time of renewing our belief in the Resurrection power of Christ. Where have the shadows of life wounded your belief? Where have you attached the Truth of who God is to your circumstances instead of in who He is?
There's going to be an amazing update one day where I get to say "I am home, and I am safe, and I can now heal again" and I am already excited about sharing it! But today it is okay that that particular updated is not today because my faith is not in the promise but in the Promise Keeper.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well ... for there is a Force of Love moving through the universe that holds us fast and will never let go." Julian of Norwich
Thank you for journeying with me, thank you for praying, that you for your support.
February 14th, 2024
Yesterday I went to see a house, that on the computer looked perfect. My housemate and I arrived and found out the house had several drawbacks ... some which were serious. We started the drive home and silence fell in the usually very chatty car. We didn't speak. It was a prayerful discerning silence - the sound of questioning - the sound of sacred conversations with God - and the sound of disappointment for I think there was part of us that knew we were going to have to say no. We came back to the oil house and I prepared to head into a spiritual direction session. I always pray and sit in silence before a session. I listen. I wait. I give God my stuff to hold while I prepare to focus my full attention on my directee. This time as I listened I thought I felt the Lord whisper to my heart "I don't want to give you what is good, I want to give you what is perfect." I immediately asked God for clarification perfect? we are not in perfect times! if we wait for perfect we are never going to find a house! The were my arguments to the King of the Universe. But then reason after reason came as to why that house we saw was not right. I have been living in "good enough" for years now, but I felt the Lord drawing me to believe for more ... to believe in hope.
Yet I am going to be honest here, I still thought perfect Lord? surely that's not the word we are supposed to wait for. I had a beautiful session with my directee. Then at the very end of the session she said and I quote "I will be praying for you and I pray that the house you find is PERFECT!" Yes, it could just be coincidence ... but maybe just maybe God was saying to my heart "Do you trust Me?" "Can you wait with the Perfect One?" "Can you stay awake with Me and watch?" "Can you trust Me with your needs?"
We were able to say no to that house later that day in confidence that it was not God's will. But today was filled with a lot of sickness: My hope is a little dented. I am having a lot of physical symptoms. There has been a lot of searching for homes ... to no avail.
I found the Lord asking me what I need today? 'What is it you need Meritt?" And the answer was a home to heal and grow in. A home that fits the calling of my next season. A place where my physical body is not assailed left and right by one thing or the other. A place that doesn't require me to "deal" but rather to "heal"
My reason, my understanding says it is impossible.
But then I remember just how long and how much impossible I have walked through with the Lord.
We as humans struggle with impossible and we struggle with waiting. But when we do not wait it is virtually impossible to have faith over fear. Instead we rush to solve, fix, resolve, push, and panic.
We need to ask ourselves why we don't experience and believe in the goodness of God being able to answer situations in a perfect way? Because we shrink our view of Him down to what we reasonably think is possible. We choose our good enough way.
My physical symptoms every day seem to scream "DON'T WAIT"! "Run away"
But if I settle for my solution, what I feel is "good enough" (again) and do not wait on the Lord for what is right, for what is Him and for what is "perfect" in His sight, I might forfeit the healing. I might shrink into what feels reasonable and humanly possible and stop relying on God.
We enter into Lent today. We enter into the wilderness. What better time to wait for the Perfect!
Come Lord Jesus!
February 12th, 2024
It's so hard to understand sometimes that some of the biggest shakings and changes and surprises that happen in our lives are actually answers to our prayers.
I have been praying to God to leave the county I am in for over 3 years. I have just known that it was a needed move, but I trusted in His timing.
Then, with no warning, this oil spill happens ... it caused so much emotional turmoil, physical sickness, and stress .... It felt like the world was crashing in on me. But it could not be a louder alarm clock ringing "It's time!" "It's time" "GO!" Could I do without the physical symptoms? Sure. Absolutely! But my spirit saw beyond that ... it's time.
I think of the Israelites who had gotten comfortable with working and striving and earning. They were afraid of what true freedom and dependence on God, whom they could not see, would mean. They did not know how God was going to provide for them in the wilderness. Yet, it was time. Time to be free to worship their God in spirit and truth and learn of the Father who would give to them, not because of how hard they worked but because of who they were to Him: His chosen ones, the apple of His eye. Plagues came, but did not destroy them (we had a couple of those: flooding, poisoned water, and sickness). The plagues signifying even to the Egyptians that it was time to let God's poeple go. God's "GO!" could not have been louder, no one could deny it. It was time.
We have each been called to go.
He redeems every suffering. Understandably so that can be hard to remember in the midst of the trial.
What I like to encourage myself to do in the midst of suffering is to embrace holy curiosity. "God, I don't know what You are doing in this? or how You are going to do it? But I know You are going to work in it." Faith.
Today friends if you are facing a surprise, a trial, a big change ask the Lord, even if its while tears roll down your cheeks: God, I wonder what You are doing? I wonder what You are doing in me. I wonder how You will get me through this. Help me to have faith in the darkness until I can see. Then watch, and wait, with wonder and expectancy in our God who never fails.
Technical Update:
As I type this update we are being considered for a house that we think may work for us. But there are other applicants. We are hoping to get to go see the house in the morning to determine if it is safe for my health needs.
We will need first months rent (already raised, a security deposit, and moving expenses so keep that in your prayers.
I am praying for each of you! Thank you for joining me to follow in the footsteps of God.
February 9th, 2024
After a really rough health day yesterday I needed the dreaming that today brought. For days now I have been praying "Lord, all I need is a little convent in the middle of the city." When I say convent what I mean is a house for my housemate and I to pray, worship the Lord, and serve God's people in whatever way He asks. I have not told anyone that prayer because people would not understand what I mean. As a member of a Secular Institute we take vows but live them out in the world doing whatever work God has for us. We don't live in groups or share an apostolate. I will be a lay consecrated but it is a different life than a nun or sister and so the term convent would be misleading - but the term that I'm looking for is a home totally given worshipfully and vocationally to the Lord.
I am a Catholic Christian and called to spiritual direction. My roommate is Christian and also called to ministry. We have been living in a county doing ministry in one form another in our perspective spheres for several years now. The discussions about theology are never far away. We learn from one another, grow from each other's faith experience, challenge each other, and encourage one another in our daily yes. I counted 26 Bibles in our house one time ... I'm quite sure there are more than that. Books of Saints and protestant preachers, copies of the Catechism and books on theology fill the house. It's a beautiful life. It's not divisive or argumentative or prideful. We focus on what unites us in Christ. It's a bridge house. We take time to listen when we disagree and we ask questions ... agreeing is not the priority - understanding is. In this little quiet (now very smelly) house we pray and live out our missions solely given to the Lord. This is what I mean by "convent" - a haven for the work God chooses for us.
Today I met with my pastor just to let him know that I am looking for a place to rent. He looked at me and said the only house I know of is a 3 million dollar house up the street that used to be a convent! (No, I did not tell him about my convent prayer.)
Something in my spirit soared. Now, I know that God isn't going to give us a 3 million dollar house. (If He does, someone's gonna have to stand by with smelling salts and be ready to do CPR). Yet it did serve as an invitation ... what would you do Meritt if resources were not an issue? Well I'd buy a house and I would set up an office for spiritual direction which brings healing, transformation, and growth. I would love to minister to pregnant mothers who are struggling and support them as they find hope. I would host retreats to refresh and revive weary souls. The list goes on ... I'd have it so I could give away light and love to a world that has become dark and divisive.
Dreams ... they may not come true but it was a great conversation to have with God - I want a home so I can bless others with the love of Christ ... and if I can hear the church bells ringing from the porch beckoning me to come to the Table what a beautiful thing that would be.
This current crisis most likely won't end with a 3 million dollar home ... but it will end with a place where His presence is welcome and the conversations and yes's continue.
I wonder God, where is the next bridge home? may Your presence go before us and prepare the way ...
February 7th, 2024
Hello amazing friends and supporters! Today I am going to give you an update and answer a few of the questions that have been coming in:
Update: We are still looking for housing but trusting in God's way and timing. We do not want to have to move again. This new home will be a place for new beginnings and hopefully a long term stable rental with a landlord who hopefully cares about their property as much as we would. There are a few houses I plan on visiting next week and I continue to make connections and get eyes on the field as much as possible. The cold weather is helping dramatically with the fumes. The ground has been freezing each night and I guess that it keeps the oil from seeping into the home a bit more. So prayers for continued cold temps for the next few weeks. As soon as it warms up you can smell the chemicals so much more in the house. The air purifiers are getting a work out but they are really helping - though they will not help the electric bill. As for my symptoms I am still having to double up my meds, get out of the house as much as possible, and manage symptoms but I am on day 3 now without migraines and that is making life much easier. I am so grateful for the continued prayers and support!
Q and A:
1. Am I still working/offering spiritual direction during this time? The answer is a resounding YES! I take stock of how I am feeling each day and praise God I haven't had to cancel anyones session. Spiritual direction is what I love to do. The way that God shows up for each person in such specific ways is beautiful to witness. I rest and pray in between sessions and I ask for grace to continue serving even in the midst of this turmoil. He has met me each time. If I ever know that I cannot give my full attention to my directees I would/will cancel but so far I have not had to do so.
2. How's the house search going? Well I would say not well but actually I feel that God is working behind the scenes. There is a peace that is surpassing my understanding. Becuase I am self-employed a lot of landlords/realtors are not pleased with that and would prefer I had a "normal" job to ensure them of my reliability but our rent has always been paid! But God may have to do this in a way that is not of this world - trusting Him fully.
3. Will you stay if the fumes die down? Absolutely not. The same construction team showed up unannounced the other day and plans to do more work. This will be an ongoing situation and with warmer weather upon us, the fumes are going to return in full force again. We cannot stay. It's not an option. But we are trusting in God's timing with the move.
4. What are you pondering in your heart right now? Everything :) In private prayer God is speaking to me about what is to come and preparing me for it. Mostly I am overjoyed that God is moving us before my First Profession - the call of my Secular Institute is to be leaven among the Body of Christ. The fact that God is moving me to a county with so many more people, more access to the Sacraments, more people to serve is further confirmation of my vocation and what a year of Jubilee it will be!
5. The money that has come in so far will cover a deposit so we are one step closer to being ready to move.
I will continue keeping you updated!
In the peace of our Lord,
Meritt
February 5th, 2024
Good morning and a blessed start to the new week to you all!
A few more footprints to share:
1. God invited me to dream yesterday and write down not just what I need in the new home but what I would dream for (not in a worldly way but to expand my thinking from a lack mindset, not for what is good enough or safe enough but for what is good and what is safe and lasting) ... I did ... even if I was a bit reluctant to do so. Part of that dream was this nudge that I am going to need to dream a bit bigger than my lack mindset will allow. There is a sense that the move this time will be right and lasting and will make room to expand the way the work and ways that I serve the Kingdom of God. May it be so! All for His glory!
2. There were more people at the house where I am currently living on Saturday speaking of another big project they plan on doing, done by the same maintenance team. This further cements the truth that we cannot stay here and if we do, we will be subjected to more ongoing issues. This simply serves as more confirmation of us leaving asap.
3. I was able to reflect yesterday on the Sunday readings. Much of my time in this current house, and if I am truthful, much of my time in this particular county, has been about being quiet or being quieted. Yet we are called to be a sign and a witness, to bring people with us to the goodness of God, to bring others to the Healer as we are healed. To let our testimony speak. To let our lives speak. To show that our God is living, moving, breathing in our lives every moment of every day. To renew the hope of the broken hearted. To show that even in this time, God is victorious. I don't know all of the reasons this is happening but it is not happening quietly ... it is happening with my words that will give glory to God and tune out the roars of the enemy. May I be faithful to this call in a way that is pleasing to Him.
4. Every time I pray, God seems to be leading me to pray for a March 1st exit day for this current home. I am scared to believe for that but He's asking me to, therefore that is what I am praying towards.
5. This one is just a little smile from the Lord. Yesterday, Feb 4th my facebook memories popped up from 3 years ago in which I had a status update which read: "The best conditions for a miracle are to be in need of one." :)
Some practical updates:
I have enjoyed two days without migraines. The other symptoms still remain and I am managing them the best way that I am able.
Specific prayer requests for the week:
1. That my physical symptoms stay as manageable as possible.
2. That the houses I view this week might give us some options.
3. That the conversations I have with connections this week are fruitful - even if just for fellowship and solidarity.
4. That the workers stay off the property specifically on Tuesday when I have training for my new job. 5. That my roommate and team do good work for the Kingdom of God as she is on mission in Honduras this week.
Thank you all. I pray that this week will hold more testimonies of His goodness. I am praying for you, please continue to pray for me.
Meritt
February 4th, 2024
It's times like these that you get to experience what you have built. Today, I am resting in the Lord and today, because of what I have been building, I know what that means.
It means that I gather up the worries and woes, the fog and unlit paths, the questions, the mourning, the anger and sadness, the fears of stretching and growing and I place them at the foot of the cross to look up. To gaze into the eyes of the Father who sees, knows, and holds it all and invites me to rest in worship.
And if I listen closely enough I hear Him talking about dreams and wishlists and abundant hope.
This is sabbath rest.
February 3rd, 2024
I am overjoyed to update that $1,000 has come in offline so I am able to lower the amount needed today from 16K to 15K. Thank you Lord ... may it be for your glory!
We are aggressively looking for homes to rent. Praying we find the right one soon.
Thank you all for your love, support, and prayers.
Meritt
February 2nd, 2024
Many times in life we have no idea why terrible things happen. As I offer spiritual direction I sit with those who are suffering in different ways, those who are waiting or confused, those who feel that God is silent. In the space of direction together we sit and listen and notice where and how God is moving despite what our initial senses reveal.
I do not know how God is going to deliver me from this situation but I am watching, waiting, and listening.
Today I had the beautiful opportunity to look back at the whispers from God that already began before the oil spill even happened. I am going to share them and will continue to share them as we move through this crisis. I invite you to follow along that you too may see and have renewed hope in our God who always knows, always sees, and is always working.
Some of God's footsteps so far ... I'm quite sure there are more ...
1. At the start of the year my housemate and I had the urge to start cleaning out closets and spaces which we never really do at the start of the year. Neither of us knew why.
2. I was recently interviewing for a job and the words "I am moving soon will that be a problem?" come out of my mouth without me even realizing it. I hadn't planned on moving I had no idea at the time when I shared that.
3. Two nights after the spill I had a feeling to call a specific friend but was too sick to do so. I woke up in the morning to find that that friend had texted me around the same time I had that feeling the night before. The friend called me that morning to ask a random question they had only to find that God had another reason for having them call me. This person was able to pray for me, give support, and give me names of a few people to reach out to.
4. Last year God gave me 4 directees in the area to which I need to move. I kept wondering why God was bringing me directees in such a specific area when I had not ever even shared my information in that region. These are now 4 people who are keeping their eyes out for homes for rent - also confirming that I am called to serve in that region.
5. One year ago almost to the day, I was searching for a new Parish that would support my spirit, allow me greater access to the Sacraments, and would nourish my vocation to consecrated life. I have now been a member of that Parish for a year and it is in the region to which I am now being called to move. I have been driving an hour in each direction for a year for Sunday Mass and daily Mass whenever able often following the sunrise on Sunday morning. Driving there in the pitch dark and just as I enter the new county each Sunday the sun rises.
6. Today I went to school and we did Visio Divina and the picture we reflected on was of a field where the sun was brilliantly shining but the deer were in a dense fog. We reflected on being in the fog and everything being dark, yet the end result is that the cloud is going to soon lift, and the sun is going to come out. God ministered to my heart during this time. It was a hug letting me know He's got this.
God is beauty and speaks beautifully ... He is not silent. He is never late. He is Divine Love. Keep following me in the footsteps of our Lord. I pray these updates help you to see God working in your own life.
May God bless and keep you and reveal His love to you. Thank you for praying!
February 2nd, 2024
Thank you to all those who have donated already! I am so grateful! We have been working hard to contact people and meet with people in the areas to that are possible for us to move to. We are looking in the areas from Lewisville to Kernersville, we need to be within a 30 minute drive of Stratford St. in Winston Salem NC in order for us to be near my possibilities of work that will help us pay the increase in rent we will be facing.
Here are some of the things that have been said to us this week by the workers who did this:
- it's not kerosene it is the equipment
- it was just rusty water
- okay we spilled some oil
- actually the bottom of the tank fell out
- well ma'am it won't actually you
- be glad we didn't spill more
- we will put some kitty litter with febreeze on it
- there's no more oil in the soil we removed it all (they did not)
- there's no possible way there is oil on your dogs paws (our dogs have come in with heating oil on their paws everyday because there is no place on the property where the affected soil has not been spread around)
- well I hope the oil just runs down into the creek
Besides being very sick and suffering symptom after symptom this week and needing to move urgently, what saddens me most is what condition people have to be in to lie, degrade, and abuse other people. I cannot be mad at people who are not lovers of the truth but I can pray for them to come to know the Truth.
I offer this suffering for women who are told they are stupid, just being emotional, or lying and for people with chronic illness who are not believed, valued, or treated with care.
Please continue to pray for me and my housemate in this crisis - our house is still filled with kerosene fumes despite running multiple air purifiers.
May God bless you and keep you in the peace of Christ! Your prayers are priceless and we believe in their power.
In Christ,
Meritt
This picture is of the heating oil being buried (a hole that was very deep, I did not get a picture of it before they started putting scoops of dirt over it)
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