Hello to you fine person who has blessed me with your time and attention to my story. I am truly grateful for everything and every person in my life. I practice gratitude, and I've never taken a single kindness for granted, so please understand how much I truly appreciate you reading my story. It's not meant as a sad story at all, because I'm proud of the person I've become. I tell you these things only for context, dear reader.

I was I guess you'd say, born into poverty, because my mom was 18 when she had me, and this being prior to 1970, she had to drop out of high school. And my dad was not interested in having a family. My mom's mom also always lived in poverty, and I never met my grandfather. We all from Nebraska, going back generations. I was very blessed to have a younger brother, with whom I only became close a few years ago. But we lost him last December 19th.

I'm a big believer in accepting responsibility for one's situations. I've made some bad decisions, which have contributed to my continued poverty. Those decisions had nothing to do with drinking or drugs, which thankfully I've never done. Let's just say my ex husband lives comfortably in Hawaii now, while I didn't ask for my share of our CA condo decades earlier, and I gave up my portion of his pension. Now, though I've worked consistently since I was 15, I struggle to make rent in my mobile home park.

I cringe at the word "deserve", because I don't believe I necessarily "deserve" good things, aside from life, love, happiness. I would say everyone in the world deserves to live their best life, and be who they truly are.

I consider myself an ally to all. Because of my natural compassion, I do small things to try to support that. Oftentimes I give a kind word to strangers, and my sons are quite embarrassed by me sometimes.

I did try to reach out and have a relationship with my dad a few times throughout the years, but all I ever really got from that was confirmation that he wasn't interested in his children, except to occasionally tell me all the things that I should have done differently in life. Intellectually I knew that he had no right to say any of those things, because his absence was a huge presence in my life. But being abandoned by a parent without a single kind word to say still affects your sense of self. 

He passed almost 10 years ago. Of his substantial estate, he left me not a dime, not a note, and not a keepsake. He had made a good living, having been a big deal newspaper guy in Charlotte, NC for decades. He never did have more kids, so I assume all of his money and belongings went to the woman he'd married at some point, with whom I stayed in touch, but never met. She also didn't want my brother nor I to have anything by which to know our dad.

I wished very much that I had had a stable, consistent male role model to teach me the things that my mom couldn't. But in spite of her dating history, I never really got that. Instead, when I was seven and my brother was three, we moved into a trailer with a monster in Florida, where we didn't know anyone. He physically assaulted all three of us over the four years we lived with him, and decades later my brother and I both related times when we believed he had tried to kill us kids and make it look like an accident. Mom was very brave to finally escape him, and we three started over in California. And again, please understand, I'm ok with my history. I'm a naturally positive, optimistic person, and I'm almost always smiling!

Currently Mom is married to a good man, a veteran and retired law enforcement. He didn't enter my life until I was full grown, but I'm glad she has him. They're not upper middle class by any means, but they do have a house, which is the one and only thing I've ever really wanted for myself. And I pray my sons will have that as well.

As a child, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was movie star and wife. I never thought that I of all people would end up single for the second half of my lifetime. I'm not unhappy about it. I'm happy being alone, I enjoy my own company, and I like the quiet. I was blessed with a good husband in the 1980s to 1990s, and I have two wonderful grown sons who are my entire world. However, it turns out that in today's America, you really really need two incomes in order to have an American dream of any kind. 

As for the movie star part, I changed my mind due to a couple of things. As a teen (when we lived in southern California), I was a dancer on America Bandstand. And I learned I really wasn't good with attention. Then in about 1996, I won a national contest, the prize being the bus from the movie Speed. I got calls for interviews for weeks, and that's when I became really uncomfortable with attention. (I realize I'm being very open here, because all of this is verifiable.)

About four years ago, my mom, now in her 70s, developed a very small bit of breast cancer. She had it removed, and we were all very grateful that she seemed fine. About a year after that, I developed a small bit of breast cancer as well. Thankfully, it was very small and treatable by hormones and radiation. I had the lumpectomy and radiation therapy. My mammograms since then have been normal so far, thank God. 

Unfortunately, in the last eight months or so, my mom very suddenly developed metastatic stage four breast cancer without any warning. It's in her breasts, blood, bones and more. It was so unexpected and sudden. And it's not curable. She will continue to have chemotherapy for the rest of her life.

This is where dementia, as awful as it is, can be somewhat a blessing. My mom now easily gets confused and forgetful. She didn't realize that with chemo came hair loss, so she is struggling with that quite a bit. She's always been a beautiful woman, and the one constant in my life. The dementia seems to help her not focus on the reality of her condition. And she doesn't remember that she lost her son only six months ago. She maintains a positive disposition, her only concerns really being her dog and cat. She just goes to the doctor, the dog park, and watches TV with her husband.

I live about three hours away from her. But I want to take her places that she loves. We have some family in Iowa. She loves the San Antonio River Walk and New Orleans, places I've never been. She loves Omaha, and and I always thought we'd go back at some point. It would be wonderful if she and I could do these things together while she can still enjoy them. She and I haven't ridden a train since I was a toddler, and I've always wanted to. 

This is the reason for my story and my post. We would have no way to afford these things on our own, and in fact, I am very recently temporarily unemployed. My career is working with children, so when school is out for the summer, I don't get paid. However, if this fundraiser works out, it could be a great time for me to give my mom some great memories that she actually does *Deserve. 

Thank you again, so much, for your time and attention.

Laurel