I was woke by my gf saying, "It's time." We walked for 10 hours waiting for her to dilate. New nurse introduces herself. Doctor asks who's on the television while my gf, baby momma, love of my life and child are dying. Cassidy, my son, was stuck in birth canal and comes out non responsive. New nurse pumps his lungs until Cassidys lungs pop. Three holes in lungs. Cassidy is going to Blank Hospital. Everything is fine now. Haven't slept but he's in his room and the room has a couch. Two minutes of trying to sleep, alarms and people come rushing in. No sleep. Cassidy is having seizures every 3 minutes. No sleep. Doctor says there's a study, cooling babies down. It might help. So we put his name I'm. No sleep. An hour later, we get the news. He's in the study but as a control baby. No sleep. The ambulance driver was my age and nice. No sleep. I walk into the NICU. Room enough for Cassidy, the machines and a chair. One chair. Twenty or so babies in a row. No sleep. I barely make it out of the hospital front doors and I breakdown. Uncontrollable crying. I get control enough to see my grandma and uncle pulling up. This is the first and last time my grandma ever hugged me. STILL NO SLEEP. The Ronald Mcdonald house. The front desk lady is nice. My gf left the hospital as soon as she could and she's here now. SLEEP!!! Four months later. We've moved from our apartment to my gf parents house so her mom can help. Why are the sleeping in living room? And we're back to No sleep. Every 3 minutes Cassidy has a seizure. No sleep. Can't leave room so even when one watches Cassidy the other still can't sleep. No sleep. I can't do it. I move. But now I can sleep and be rested to watch Cassidy. My gf has gotten used to Cassidy sleeping in her arms. Everyone warns her. Four days until my birthday. Gf tells me she's tired but I say I'll be in to check on them both. Don't worry when he cries I'll be on it. Drinking but making sure I check every hour. Gf has Cassidy in her arms. 3ish o'clock I come in to check on them. Cassidys face is in her armpit. I roll him over and I hear a suction noise and his last breath leave his body. I yell run him upstairs. The whole party watches as I give him mouth to mouth. My gf tries to get close. YOU DID THIS!!!DONT TOUCH HIM!!!YOU DID THIS!!!... Funeral home was filled with people who would never look at me the same. Even my gf looked at me with distain. I could've, I should've just been in that room. My gf and I tried to make it work but the hatred between grew. I still blame myself but have forgiven myself and her. Please help me on my way back to someone who can look themselves in the mirror and not hate the person they see. Thank you.