This is by far the most painful thing I've even written. No one WANTS their sin exposed, much less do it voluntarily and publicly...but it's time I pick up my cross and return to Christ's will.

Ever since I was young, really young, I can remember confusion about who I was. Deep emotional pain, spiritual assault, that followed me into adulthood. The pain: Am I a man or a woman?

Growing up I never understood who I was. Despite being adopted into a Christ filled home, a pastor's son, this battle raged within me. Sure I did things like play sports, and definitely enjoyed playing competitive basketball, but I also put on a brave face and pretended to like things. I suffered in silence, never expressing my confusion to anyone. In my late teens I thought to myself "Ask dad." I went towards my father with the intent of asking him "What does it mean to be a man?" I remember it distinctly. I remember the guilt, the shame, the confusion, the fear, and ultimately, my failure to seek Godly counsel. I never asked. I chose to continue to suffer in silence.

As I grew into adulthood, my confusion became anger. Anger towards myself, anger towards God, anger towards those in my life I needed the most. Eventually I decided to "expose" my sin via anonymous email to a pastor I grew up with. His answer was compassionate but distinct...seek God and His will. Despite seeking Godly counsel, that was not what I wanted to hear. In retrospect, I still don't know what I wanted to hear. But what I did know was pain. Deep, soul depth, pain. I later exposed (no quotes this time cause it wasn't anonymously) my pain to a friend of mine. Her advice was the same. My reaction was the same.

I decided to deal with it. To stuff the pain deep down. If I just ignore it, it will go away. Well, as we know, sin doesn't work that way. The great deceiver doesn't work that way either. Eventually one night I broke down. Laying in bed next to my ex-wife I wept. "I hate being a man" was all I could cry out, weeping tears of immense pain. In that moment I was given something more disastrous than I would ever experience again...acceptance. Let me be clear, I in no way blame her, I blame satan 100%, but the acceptance I was given set me on a path that eventually cost me more than I knew I had at the time. 

With the blessing I began to explore my sin. Starting first as a casual exploration that later became full blown personal acceptance. This eventually led to more anger within myself. What came next was the dismantling of my life. My ex-wife and I separated and eventually divorced. I later confessed my confusion to family friends. They steered me to a man who has a ministry here in Oklahoma City geared towards the lgbtq community. It's amazing how Christ following people kept telling me the same thing hahaha. I, unfortunately again, made a choice...to ignore what I had been told by Godly counsel.

Shortly there after I went full steam ahead into my sin. I gave up my position in Christ's kingdom for earthly peace. I eventually began a medical transition, some of which is reversible. (Hence the campaign. This world has been so successfully attacked by satan that acceptance and money flow like water. Over the years I have had several surgical procedures. Because the world is so broken, I paid ZERO dollars out of pocket for them. My insurance paid for everything. That is not the case now that I am reversing what I can. ) 

I, in my sin and pain, decided it was better to forfeit things I had worked so hard for, a career in law enforcement, my family, my ability to lead my son the way Christ wanted me to, my financial security, and my mental health. For 7 years I was convinced this was the path for me, that my sin would make everything "ok." Looking back I see. I see the path and where it lead me. How successful satan was at destroying my life, and how I had accepted it.

Now, 7 years later, I also see Christ. I see His mercy and grace. I have been brought to my knees, and in my repentance, I plan to return to the way he created me. To do this, I need help. A few months ago I was lead to GiveSendGo by the same friend I turned to so many years ago. I am praying, if God leads you, you help me return to His original creation. 

The campaign photo I have used is a blend of two pictures. One of me from my late 20's and one from my re-baptism on Nov. 6th, 2023. On that glorious day I was spoken to by God through one of the pastors that baptized me. I was told that my "many, many sins" were forgiven. Not just a simple Christian platitude, but a direct word from God that brought me to tears. That through my re-acceptance of Him my sins have been forgiven. Me, the person who sought so hard to destroy what He created, MY sins were forgiven. How can I keep living the way I want to when He has forgiven me? How can I lead others to Him when my life is actively working against His word? 

My campaign has multiple goals / costs to cover. 1) to undue what can be undone medically - unfortunately some of it can't be undone. 2) to cover the legal costs of restoring my name / birth certificate / driver's license, etc. 3) rebuild my wardrobe. (That one seems silly, but ya know...clothes are a good thing. haha) I ask with respect and hope that if the Lord moves you, to please donate to this campaign. I believe the Lord brought me to GiveSendGo for a reason, to return to His will through His church's benevolence.