After a lot of frustration searching and getting turned down, I may have just found a place that will accept my application. It is submitted today with the help of my case manager here at the transitional housing. In a strange coincidence, she and I were both talking to the same property manager about the same property and did not know it. Even better, she knows him and has worked with him before. It is as close to a sure thing that I could ever ask for. I REALLY hope this works out.

Still seeking employment. With the housing situation seeming to be under control and progressing at the speed of bureaucracy, I can focus work as the next major step. Knowing where I will likely live is helpful as well.

I am also progressing on the mental health side of things. In addition to continuing the treatment program I am waiting on a "community care" appointment which would allow me to seek therapeutic counseling outside the VA, and I have a psychiatric intake appointment at the VA on Tuesday for possible medications. Lots of appointments, but it will be worth it when I'm my best self again.

I haven't gone and served my one day in jail yet - that will be next week. I'm really looking forward to it! Other than that, I think everything is on track as well as I could expect. I am hesitantly hopeful. It will be really disappointing if this apartment does not work out. For now, need to stay positive and motivated to keep working.

Thank you all again so much!

I had my court hearing yesterday. I had hoped to get the charges changed to a physical control violation rather than a DUI. However the prosecutors would not budge. My lawyer was surprised and it seems that in my case they were particularly strict. It is an important distinction to me because I was not pulled over drinking and driving, but rather was parked and drinking in my car. The overall outcome is the same as far as sentencing, but I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt. Especially when I had to plead guilty to DUI to achieve this outcome.

I'm not going to let that get me down though. I have too much good happening. The court mandated according to my substance abuse evaluation that I attend an Alcohol and Drug Information School class and a Victims Impact Panel class. I had done these months ago. It also mandated I enter Intensive Outpatient Treatment, which I have done and just graduated from. I have six more months of regular outpatient treatment to go. There is about $800 in fines and fees to pay, most of which I am able to pay through community service, which is my plan. There is also DOL license suspension for 3 months which I have already served, and 1 year of an interlock device in my car which I already have had since May. I should be done in about three months. Finally, I get to spend another day in jail. I was only in for 18 hours the first go round and the mandatory minimum is 24 consecutive hours. So that will be fun.

Overall, not much changes. I am glad it is behind me and I feel like invisible shackles have been removed. Once my jail time, fines, and interlock device are all behind me, I will feel even better. For now, I am continuing to focus on finding a place for me and the kids. It has proven harder than I expected to get through the application process. But it WILL happen. I NEED to be with my kids. And I will continue my mental health journey. In fact, I have my first weekly outpatient treatment meeting at 0900 this morning.

Once again, thank you all for your kindness. I would not be where I am without your help. The setbacks I have had over the past couple weeks would have driven me into depression and hopelessness as has happened so many times before. I feel more resilient to such challenges knowing that there is a solid foundation to stand on and that I am not sliding even deeper into financial ruin.

Today I feel happy, hopeful, and loved.

A lot has happened in the last week. Not the least of which is the donation I just received today that I have yet to wrap my mind around. When I posted this campaign, I was pretty certain I was making a mistake. I don't believe that at all anymore. The past few years have made me very cynical. I had lost faith in the goodness of mankind. You all have restored my faith.

When fundamental human needs are met, it is much easier to behave virtuously and in my case, to make progress. The opposite is true when needs are not met, and it is difficult to not behave like an animal just trying to survive. You have given me back my humanity and basic dignity that comes with that. It is a gift far more valuable than the donations themselves.

TREATMENT: This was my last week of Intensive Outpatient Treatment (IOP). I am down to a single day of treatment a week. I have already begun applying for jobs to start ASAP. I also have an appointment with the Mental Health Clinic at American Lake VA where I am doing my treatment. This is a general mental health clinic to address my other underlying issues that led to my substance abuse. So my journey is far from over in that department.

LEGAL: I have my next court hearing on Monday. I have spoken to my lawyer twice this week and the outcome is looking pretty good. After going through the evidence, he does not believe that they have the evidence to convict me of a DUI as I was not driving the vehicle. He is fairly confident that it will be downgraded to a Physical Control violation. This practically doesn't make a difference in sentencing, however it will look better than the letters DUI on my record. I have very little stress associated with the case at this time so I am grateful for that.

HOUSING: I have been out to tour several apartments and houses. I am ready to move forward as soon as I find a place that is able to accommodate my unique situation and lack of qualifying factors. There is a place in Steilacoom that I visited today that I have hopes that I can convince the owner to understand my situation and to take a risk on me. Having full time employment would be a huge help in this department as well so I am working on both simultaneously.

Again, I cannot say thank you enough for what you have done for me. I plan to maintain this momentum that has built in the past few weeks and continue to progress further and further towards that light at the end of the tunnel. I have never been more positive and hopeful for my situation to change than I am at this very moment.

Since my last update a few things have happened:

Thanks to kind donations I have been able to stay on top of my financial situation. This has relieved some stress. Especially with being sick and not being able to work nearly at all. This is also going into a period that I have a lot of appointments and my next court appearance on Monday the 10th.

I've been sick for the past two plus weeks and have not been as productive as I would like. I did manage to get my financial status updated with the PCHA and will start applying for apartments this week. I need to get out of where I am at - I am losing my mind here. I also need a place I can have my kids. Not being able to spend time with them, and having the constant self-loathing associated with letting them down the way I have, is a major driver to my depression and other conditions. Which are getting worse not better.

I have reached out to the VA mental health for additional help. I had hoped with my treatment program and counseling that my mind would find a stable place. This doesn't seem to be the case. I don't like pills, but I can't continue on  the way I have. I am not a doctor, and I don't know when, but something broke inside me. I live in a constant state of severe anxiety and have for years and years. My hair went grey in just a couple years at a young age, I have panic attacks often. One of these attacks was on the freeway and led to a seizure. Thankfully I was able to pull over as I felt it overcome me and called 911 after it had passed. I swing wildly from hyper-mania to hyper-depression. There is more, but the point is that whatever is going on with me, it is crippling at times.

I have to change the way I communicate. Most people can't relate to my life situation and the struggles in front of me. Many people can't relate to my mental health situation either. This often leads to conflict and me appearing to be an insane person. I am no longer going to discuss my situation openly. It is NOT helpful. In fact, it is harmful. I will use this as a place to provide information on my situation for those that want to seek it out. I will be transparent and honest in my updates. I am also going to withdraw a bit. In a healthy way - not shut out the world. I am going to be a lot more selective about who I spend my time with or devote my mental energy towards.

Anyway, thank you again everyone who has generously donated. Moving forward, I will probably have smaller more frequent updates.

When I posted this I did not know what to expect. A big part of me thought it was foolish. The cynical voice that has ruled my thoughts for a long while said, "You are wasting your time. People will be offended and disgusted that you would even ask for help this way. You are going to look so stupid! Nobody cares Luke, it is a lost cause helping you, you are worthless".

I am trying not to let that voice control my perception of the world anymore. Not to jump to conclusions about others, their intentions or opinions about me. To also accept and ask for help when I need it. I know I would - and have - helped others this way, yet it is somehow difficult to apply the same logic to myself. 

It takes a long time to change patterns of behavior. I have made a lot of progress on that front. It is harder still to change patterns of thought. Particularly negative ones that have dominated for so long. I am glad that I decided to instead listen to the voices of others in regards to this.

I don't have the right words. Thank you isn't enough, but its all I've got. To check back after a couple days and see this has brought tears to my eyes. I am feeling more hopeful today than I have in a while. A huge amount of anxiety has been lifted.

I am 20% of the way to my goal. A goal I still think is absurd. It feels selfish to ask others to burden themselves for me. Perhaps it is more selfish to not be the best person I can be simply because I refuse to acknowledge that I DO NOT have the tools or resources to be that person in this moment.

This will get me to a stable footing for this month. I can focus on moving forward with the plan. Thank you again. I don't know how to send personalized thanks to the anonymous donors, but I will if I figure out how. More updates to follow.