I had written this a month after my April 23rd overdose. What I didn't know at the time is that an even earlier (younger than 7) sexual assault had a larger part to play in the big picture, but the Lord is healing me from all of this in every way. Thank you for your support! Here's what I wrote in mid May 2019...
On April 23rd, the Lord pulled me from the darkest, lowest point of my life when I intentionally overdosed on my heart medication and was rushed to the hospital for emergency medical care and mental health evaluations after the police tracked me down. A friend messaged me in the “knick of time”, which allowed my Mom to call me and convince me to drive home after the police showed up at their door and then drove to my apartment - a friend called 911 against my protests when I told her what I’d done. I’m grateful to be here and grateful to be on the road to recovery surrounded by an amazing network of support and love and compassionate people as I learn to surrender my fears, panic attacks, health issues, flashbacks, and shame to my Savior. I’m on an antidepressant medication now that has been working better all the time without major side effects after the initial few days. I’m happy to answer questions if you have them, and am sharing this because I firmly believe NO ONE should ever feel as I have for so long, and I want to help - I’m learning to tell the truth about how I’m really doing, and trusting others in my life. April 23rd was a scary day that had been building for a very long time and I was NOT myself - my friends noticed that and went into high gear to help me. I’m being transformed through grace day by day by my loving, forgiving Lord Jesus - and I’m getting help from a team of mental & medical professionals, my pastors, and other dear friends who have been giving me my meds, as well as law enforcement who have made themselves available for help to me anytime. This all began half a lifetime ago in 2003-2004 on the swim team and was followed by a police report and investigation in 2006, but it won’t define me. I’m defined by my faith & my freedom in Christ. ❤️ If you are willing to pray for me, I will be starting a 3rd heart monitor sometime in the coming week (the other two were during college 10 years ago & another almost 2 years ago) - there are residual issues with the rhythm & pacing and we need to figure out the best course of action as meds balance out. I also need to be careful because while the antidepressant med is helping a lot, it is NOT a longterm solution and potentially interacts with my heart rhythm med (I’ve known of my heart issues for 17 years & it’s not a big deal to me anymore). I’ve been warned as well that the first 6 months following an attempt are the most vulnerable, especially if I keep what I did in the shadows. I need wisdom and courage and most of all, the joy that comes through knowing that my experiences and my life story will help others to fight on and come to know my Lord as theirs. I’d love company and if you want to talk about it, I don’t have any hesitations about this anymore. It happened and I’m going to survive.
I called my Unity psychiatrist’s line through the unit phone where I stayed - as instructed - just now, due to problems with my medication regimen for the 3rd night in a row (first time calling, long time problems). Trembling, double vision, restlessness, and waking from sleep and vivid dreams in a sweat and panic.
It was weird talking on the phone with a staff member who often would say very gently, “What’s up, Kristin? Can’t sleep?” when I would come stumbling out of my room at 3 in the morning. He did that again with slight changes.
Monday, I’ll see my PCP down the road. Wednesday, I’ll see my therapist (knows Scripture tremendously well and makes me feel very comfortable) here in Sandy. I’m looking forward to both! ❤️
Is it possible to be scared of being “emotionally stable”? Old memories come to mind and I feel numb and raw at the same time - and yet, don’t cry. I have a nightmare and wake up thinking, “well, that was upsetting” without actually feeling upset. A word or image or sound triggers a flashback and my eyes well up with tears, but the emotional impact from reliving a traumatic event doesn’t cause the cascade of uncontrollable sobbing I’m used to experiencing or fighting. I may be missing the familiar. I may be missing the tears, the meds seem to be working, but is this really me?
Unity was amazing, and a lot of hard work. In some moments, I miss it. In others, it feels like a dream. In still others, I cry when I realize how much it was needed. There is still so much work to do, and I feel overwhelmed by that realization. I'm getting lost in memories a lot more here at home than I was there - maybe it's because there are so many more hours of quiet here at home, or maybe it's because there's something more to learn from this process. Through my darkest moments though, the Lord comforts & speaks... the Word is alive & my heart rejoices that I'm never alone. I'm reminded almost constantly of the verse in Psalm 23 that says, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil." There is so much more in that beloved chapter, but the word "through" is the word that is emphasized in my mind - whether by the Holy Spirit or by the godly men & women who keep quoting it to me, I don't know. No matter what we go through or what has happened in the past to us, we're not stuck here - it's only a "through". I need to remember that when my mind is overwhelmed. I cried tonight... big, sad tears for the little girl. I cried for the years of fear without a known root cause. I cried for myself as I struggle to believe the words of the Lord when the memories fill my mind and the emotions of fear, anger, sadness, grief, loneliness, and sorrow become so strong that all I can do is weep because now there's a known root cause. I was so young. But the music is changing. My compositions are filled with hope as well, and there's nothing too big for the Lord. I must keep going - for as long as I have breath, I will praise the Lord. If I stop that breath myself, I'm saying "no" to the future opportunities to praise the Lord and give testimonies as Kristin. I can't do that. I know what I must do. I have sooooo many questions - I've been barraging folks at church with questions & studying my Bible & spending time in prayer, but I also need to sing again - because I know who I am to my Father in Heaven. And He's giving me songs.
I'm going home tomorrow morning (Wednesday)! I have an assignment to line up visitors every day for two weeks and overnight friends for the first week. Let me know if you’d like to do either! ❤️
Each night here has been approximately $1000 according to information, and I will be applying for financial assistance. Thank you for your help!