Thank you everyone, for your love and prayers and support! I’m continuing to seek help and have a lot of appointments lined up this month. May you have an amazing summer and know how treasured you are to me! ❤️
Kristin has a meal schedule page & is tremendously grateful especially when it involves eating with her (she craves company)... https://takethemameal.com/KVRR6530
She also shared this recently... "It started making sense when I was at Unity. The Holy Spirit has been speaking for a long time, but I finally listened there. It was easier to unplug and focus, but He is continuing to speak here... and huge things are happening in my family, in conversations with strangers and neighbors, and in my (spiritual) heart. I don't need to be healed in order to believe He is working in and through my life. The pressure I felt my whole life to be whole is gone. God can use my testimony and use my willingness in any way He wants - I love my Jesus!"
I have a HUGE praise report. The Unity bill came to just under 50k (so far, with specialized care bills still arriving) & I was expecting to be responsible for all of it for the entire time I was in there... but because it wasn't a choice (my doctor would have involved the police if I hadn't agreed to go there escorted by a friend), Samaritan is covering up to 50k. ❤️ My doctor wrote a letter explaining how it all happened and they accepted it! They're working with me to get the bill lowered if possible + there are additional expenses from my collapse and ambulance ride to and from Emmanuel Hospital on June 29th, but that will be covered with time.
The funds won't arrive until September & October and I am struggling to make normal expenses payments, but the donations you have given have helped keep me above water for the time being. I'm amazed and so thankful for the time there at Unity and what I learned and faced and overcame “by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony” in the process in that place - sooooo many things I’ve never seen or heard before this. The presence of God was evident in my heart in every trial and moment, prayer and time in Scripture, conversation and song - even the memories and scary experiences that sent me sobbing to the medical staff were good to relive in the end.
I’m home not feeling well (mostly dizzy and shaky with some other things going on) missing VBS today, but slept well last night & am audio “reading” through the Old Testament in my Bible plan between naps. ❤️ I’m having a rough time with the heart monitor and have a toothache that’ll be repaired next week (I broke my tooth before going to Unity but it only just started to hurt and... one thing at a time). It’s an interesting season right now.
I have counseling twice a week now & love going to my sessions! I’ve only been 3 times now, but it flies by and I feel so comfortable and the pace is so perfect that I rarely cry. I do get lost sometimes, so please snap me gently out of my “zoning out” episodes... get me to change the direction of my eyes if I stare. I can’t control it, and I don’t want to be there.
I won’t be teaching regular lessons in August. The studio will open full time when September arrives. I’m working on using resources I have had sitting around waiting for my attention and time, and we’ll jump into recital repertoire for an Autumn performance near Thanksgiving time. I will be teaching some makeups/reschedules & new students during August though, and am excited to see my baby grand piano again. Maybe it’s time to polish it with the orange oil I love to use! ❤️
The email reply I received yesterday from the sergeant handling my situations was very kind, encouraging, and helpful. I’m struggling with a reply I received from a former teammate (he is blocked again), but the other one was very sweet & has a lot for me to ponder. I’m praying for wisdom and courage to do what is right, whatever that is.
Thank you dear friends and family for being here for, with, and around me! Your encouragement, love, support, prayers, and kindness mean so much to me! ❤️ Please let me know if I can do anything for you and continue to share your stories with me. I’m sorry if it takes me a long time to answer - I have moments when I can write/type/call, but longer periods of time when I’m too shaky or unsteady to do anything but sleep. Please join me in praying that my dreams would be sweet and restful. I continue to have extremely stressful and distressing nightmares. If the enemy is trying to use those to discourage me, he’s fighting a losing battle because my Savior is stronger and He cares for me.
I had written this a month after my April 23rd overdose. What I didn't know at the time is that an even earlier (younger than 7) sexual assault had a larger part to play in the big picture, but the Lord is healing me from all of this in every way. Thank you for your support! Here's what I wrote in mid May 2019...
On April 23rd, the Lord pulled me from the darkest, lowest point of my life when I intentionally overdosed on my heart medication and was rushed to the hospital for emergency medical care and mental health evaluations after the police tracked me down. A friend messaged me in the “knick of time”, which allowed my Mom to call me and convince me to drive home after the police showed up at their door and then drove to my apartment - a friend called 911 against my protests when I told her what I’d done. I’m grateful to be here and grateful to be on the road to recovery surrounded by an amazing network of support and love and compassionate people as I learn to surrender my fears, panic attacks, health issues, flashbacks, and shame to my Savior. I’m on an antidepressant medication now that has been working better all the time without major side effects after the initial few days. I’m happy to answer questions if you have them, and am sharing this because I firmly believe NO ONE should ever feel as I have for so long, and I want to help - I’m learning to tell the truth about how I’m really doing, and trusting others in my life. April 23rd was a scary day that had been building for a very long time and I was NOT myself - my friends noticed that and went into high gear to help me. I’m being transformed through grace day by day by my loving, forgiving Lord Jesus - and I’m getting help from a team of mental & medical professionals, my pastors, and other dear friends who have been giving me my meds, as well as law enforcement who have made themselves available for help to me anytime. This all began half a lifetime ago in 2003-2004 on the swim team and was followed by a police report and investigation in 2006, but it won’t define me. I’m defined by my faith & my freedom in Christ. ❤️ If you are willing to pray for me, I will be starting a 3rd heart monitor sometime in the coming week (the other two were during college 10 years ago & another almost 2 years ago) - there are residual issues with the rhythm & pacing and we need to figure out the best course of action as meds balance out. I also need to be careful because while the antidepressant med is helping a lot, it is NOT a longterm solution and potentially interacts with my heart rhythm med (I’ve known of my heart issues for 17 years & it’s not a big deal to me anymore). I’ve been warned as well that the first 6 months following an attempt are the most vulnerable, especially if I keep what I did in the shadows. I need wisdom and courage and most of all, the joy that comes through knowing that my experiences and my life story will help others to fight on and come to know my Lord as theirs. I’d love company and if you want to talk about it, I don’t have any hesitations about this anymore. It happened and I’m going to survive.
I called my Unity psychiatrist’s line through the unit phone where I stayed - as instructed - just now, due to problems with my medication regimen for the 3rd night in a row (first time calling, long time problems). Trembling, double vision, restlessness, and waking from sleep and vivid dreams in a sweat and panic.
It was weird talking on the phone with a staff member who often would say very gently, “What’s up, Kristin? Can’t sleep?” when I would come stumbling out of my room at 3 in the morning. He did that again with slight changes.
Monday, I’ll see my PCP down the road. Wednesday, I’ll see my therapist (knows Scripture tremendously well and makes me feel very comfortable) here in Sandy. I’m looking forward to both! ❤️
Is it possible to be scared of being “emotionally stable”? Old memories come to mind and I feel numb and raw at the same time - and yet, don’t cry. I have a nightmare and wake up thinking, “well, that was upsetting” without actually feeling upset. A word or image or sound triggers a flashback and my eyes well up with tears, but the emotional impact from reliving a traumatic event doesn’t cause the cascade of uncontrollable sobbing I’m used to experiencing or fighting. I may be missing the familiar. I may be missing the tears, the meds seem to be working, but is this really me?
Unity was amazing, and a lot of hard work. In some moments, I miss it. In others, it feels like a dream. In still others, I cry when I realize how much it was needed. There is still so much work to do, and I feel overwhelmed by that realization. I'm getting lost in memories a lot more here at home than I was there - maybe it's because there are so many more hours of quiet here at home, or maybe it's because there's something more to learn from this process. Through my darkest moments though, the Lord comforts & speaks... the Word is alive & my heart rejoices that I'm never alone. I'm reminded almost constantly of the verse in Psalm 23 that says, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil." There is so much more in that beloved chapter, but the word "through" is the word that is emphasized in my mind - whether by the Holy Spirit or by the godly men & women who keep quoting it to me, I don't know. No matter what we go through or what has happened in the past to us, we're not stuck here - it's only a "through". I need to remember that when my mind is overwhelmed. I cried tonight... big, sad tears for the little girl. I cried for the years of fear without a known root cause. I cried for myself as I struggle to believe the words of the Lord when the memories fill my mind and the emotions of fear, anger, sadness, grief, loneliness, and sorrow become so strong that all I can do is weep because now there's a known root cause. I was so young. But the music is changing. My compositions are filled with hope as well, and there's nothing too big for the Lord. I must keep going - for as long as I have breath, I will praise the Lord. If I stop that breath myself, I'm saying "no" to the future opportunities to praise the Lord and give testimonies as Kristin. I can't do that. I know what I must do. I have sooooo many questions - I've been barraging folks at church with questions & studying my Bible & spending time in prayer, but I also need to sing again - because I know who I am to my Father in Heaven. And He's giving me songs.
I'm going home tomorrow morning (Wednesday)! I have an assignment to line up visitors every day for two weeks and overnight friends for the first week. Let me know if you’d like to do either! ❤️
Each night here has been approximately $1000 according to information, and I will be applying for financial assistance. Thank you for your help!