To be honest, I’m terrified.
What can I say? It is simply the truth. Is it okay to feel this way? Is it okay to let the world know? How vulnerable can I be?
The truth is I am terrified. Not just afraid, but terrified. I know what some of you are thinking…Overdramatic, but, I kid you not. Look at it through my lenses:
For 6 years I have dedicated my life to a specific job that has required certain skills and special knowledge to complete.. The problem is, when it comes down to it, I have no control as to what will happen next.
You see, I get “paid” – if you can even call it that – by individuals who have decided that they like me enough to fund me, or they see the work I am doing and want to help fund the job. This leaves me and everything I invest myself into and puts it at the hands of a group of individuals who have a lot of other things going on for them and a lot of other focuses. In a regular 9-5 job, growing in a skill set or working overtime would get you ahead in life. Not in this business. Doing what I do requires that I give up everything – a comfortable home, job security, health benefits, regular income, a normal routine, etc – for the sake of something else or someone else.
Well then, why do I do it?
I do it because I know the value of what I am doing. Sure, I get paid $1.50 an hour, but I don’t do it for money. I do it for Him. I do it because I know that the reward in the end will be worth it.
Here is my problem though.
Not only am I terrified of what may come in my life, but I am terrified of letting people know I am terrified. In this line of “work” you need to be strong. You need to have all your ducks in a row, because if you don’t, that $1.50 and hour becomes $.75 an hour, and now I can’t pay rent.
But, I post “Terrified…” on Facebook anyways, and immediately I will have a slew of messages from “concerned” people – some who really do care – and then about a dozen comments under my post, sharing inspirational scripture that they think will help me or some ridicule as to the content of my character. All of these things coming from hearts of gold, I’m sure, but all that ends up getting translated to me as “you’re not doing your ‘job’ right.” In a moment of weakness, I slip up and let the world know what is going on in my heart, and it takes that phrase and runs a mile with it.
Well goodness, what am I to do? Take the hint and end it all? Keep pressing on with perseverance? Take it as a sign that He wants me to give it up?
I have no idea. I didn’t study for this part of the test apparently. So, I keep trucking along. Hoping it gets better. I start a new campaign that will hopefully get more support behind me. This takes away from other tasks at hand that I need to focus on and now some supporters are getting antsy.
“What is he up to” they wonder. “I’m not supporting him so that he can just ‘hang out’ and ask for more!” they say. - - - I sit in silence. Not sure what to do.
You see, I spent 6 years doing this. I don’t “know” anything else. I didn’t go to college because I thought this would be what I would do with the rest of my life. In fact, all of the learning I have done has been so specific to this ministry these past 6 years that, there are really no jobs out there for me to be beneficial to. I will need to start at the bottom no matter where I go, and the only entry level job out there is maybe some dishwasher or fry cook (both respectable jobs which I have both worked as). I can do it. I just feel as though I wasted 6 years preparing myself for nothing. Goodness, if people knew my mind went there I would get sermons galore in my email tomorrow. I know the “right” answers, I have taught them to people, but in a moment like this, many things are tested.
Faith is a funny thing. It keeps the fire burning even when there seems to be no oil left. It will always take faith to press through the hard times. It will always take faith to move forward into an unknown area. It will always take faith to believe the Words that Jesus spoke so long ago. That if I seek His kingdom and righteousness all of these things will be added to me. That is a bold statement, but a true one.
Sometimes fear mascaraed as wisdom, making us try to find our own solution to these problems, but true Wisdom is rooted not in fear itself, but the fear of the Lord. It is rooted in the places that put Him, the great God Almighty, into the equation. True wisdom would be involving Him into this situation and recognizing the answer. Wisdom isn’t about getting rid of fear; it is about putting it in the right place. It’s okay to be afraid. As long as you have allowed the Lord to take preeminence, you will step out of this okay. “Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” - Courage is about putting fear in its place and moving on from there. My relationship with the Lord looks very peculiar to people. I am very honest with Him. I figure that the God of the universe can handle my emotions and distress. I find that admitting I have a problem is the first step, and if I admit it to Him, it opens a door to Him that allows lasting healing to come in.
To be honest, I am terrified. I don’t know where I will end up or how long this season will last, but Jesus takes preeminence. Knowing how He loves me will casts out any inappropriate fear I have and replace it with confidence in who He is. I’d rather be confident in who He is than who I am. He is a much stronger person. I’d rather rely on His strength than my own, because my own would leave me here in a ditch of fear, unable to move. When it is on Him, I simply don’t need to worry.