Today (July 2nd) would’ve been Bren’s and my 20th Wedding Anniversary.  

For those of you that know me, I think you’d all agree that I am rarely short on words…

…but for some reason, I’m honestly not sure what to say.  

We are currently back visiting our old stomping grounds…where all 4 of our kids were born. Seeing old friends and spots that we used to frequent and recounting old memories…all while attempting to make as many new ones as we can. I am trying to help these kids make as many alternative memories as possible this year so that they don’t look back at this period of their lives as purely traumatic and full of loss. It has been amazing to see so many people that lived life with us and loved on our family throughout our whole journey.

Today was the first time that I have actively gone back through old photos since I can’t even tell you when. It’s been too heavy to walk backwards down such a difficult path…and I also don’t think I was capable of fully seeing all of the roses amongst the thorns.

As I traced back through all of the memories…Bren, kids, family, friends, adventures…I was reminded of how blessed I am to have had a wife like Bren and for her to be the mother of our kids. We shared so many great times and memories together and instead of that making me sad…I want to appreciate that we got those opportunities in the first place.  

I was talking with a friend the other day and was telling them that Bren is in the Hall of Fame in all aspects and from all angles of life. She’s a Hall of Famer as a Wife & Best Friend, a Mother, a Daughter, a Sister, an Auntie, a Friend…and the list goes on. She will never be replaced or duplicated. 

Last night, I was also talking with a friend and telling them the story about how we originally found out about the tumor and how that played out over the course of 13 months. It simultaneously feels like a different life, as if it happened 10 years ago, and as if it never happened at all. I still don’t believe it…it seems completely unreal as if the story is just part of a movie or something (definitely written by Nick Sparks).

I’m reminded of a quote by Dr. Seuss that seems somewhat cliche, but there’s some wisdom in it here:

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

I will forever be grateful for what Bren and I shared and what she gave me through being my wife, my best friend, the mother of our kids, and my ride-or-die for over 20 years. I still can’t make any sense of what happened and will never understand it…all I can do is smile and be thankful for the time we got with her and the lessons and memories we shared.  

Thank you God for blessing us with such an amazing example of your love in our lives.

Thank you Bren. Happy Anniversary.

I’m currently sitting on the back porch in Tricky’s spot. I’m trying to write this, but my eyeballs keep blurring. They need wipers. This is not real. There is no way this happened. My son keeps saying he feels like this isn’t real…that things are like they were 2 years ago, but mom just isn’t here. She’ll be getting home soon. I mean I guess she is home…we are the ones that aren’t there yet.  

Today would have been her 42nd birthday. I still can’t believe it.  

Sunday was Mother’s Day…the first one without Bren in a long time. It was also the first one where I no longer had a mother of any kind in my immediate family: No Mom…No Mother of my Children. It was also my oldest Daughter’s Birthday.  

Zero emotions this entire week (sarcasm).  

Last Friday, I had 6 Teenage girls at my house for a party/sleepover. The hearing in my right ear is still rebounding. I had to start a “Mom Chat” (text message chain) with the other moms to discuss details, keep them posted, ask for prayers to help me make it through the night…you know, that kind of stuff. One of the things I had to address was that for the first time ever, there would be no Mom at this party/sleepover…just a solo Dad. A couple of the girls couldn’t stay the night. I wonder if it was because of this. I mean I get it…I don’t blame them…but I wonder if this will be something that will affect all of my daughters for years to come. So sad for them.  

At church on Sunday, the moment we stepped foot onto the property we were met with…

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!  

From every greater…popping out from behind every corner and out of every bathroom stall…to the speaker on the main stage…

HAPPY FREAKING MOTHER’S DAY!!!!!!!  

How many Moms in the room today? How many brought their moms…and are with their moms…and are moms…Generations of moms Moms MOMS!!!  

I know this had good intentions behind it…but I had to pull my girls in tight as they were absolutely blasted by the reminders that THEIR amazing Mom could not physically be with them during this time that would normally be a celebration. 

I don’t get much time to reflect these days. It’s go go go! I’m sure part of that is a good thing. When you’re Dad and Mr. Mom, there’s never a shortage of things to do. When I do, I’m finding it very difficult to look backwards. It’s sad and painful. It also feels like an entirely different life…2 lifetimes actually. 

My faith has taken a hit, I’m not going to lie. It’s been hard for me to go to God with much lately. I haven’t given up on God and I know He’s not at fault…I just don’t understand. I also don’t know what to believe when it comes to prayer and healing anymore.  

My daughter was face down on the bed last night crying… “I did so much to help and God couldn’t do ONE THING for us?! He left me without a Mommy…I NEED a Mommy!!” I had no words. I was numb. How can you lead someone during a time like this when you don’t understand…when things make no sense?! How do you sing songs of worship and praise about the One who Heals when you didn’t see it happen…and how do you ever believe (again) that it will happen when you ask in the future?

I’m not going to start theologically unpacking all of my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs here in juxtaposition to the Word…this is going to be a process, possibly a life-long process. I’m going to leave this dangling here like most folks do with their participles…as somewhat of a bookmark…and maybe one day I’ll return to this with more clarity and “answers” (or at least more wisdom) and I can look back at the path I was forced to travel and see where it lead me/us.  

I have no idea what I “should” be doing today to commemorate Brenda on her Birthday. I normally would try to pull off some grand gesture or surprise…I just didn’t physically or emotionally have it in me this year to plan and prepare. There’s a whole day ahead though…so who knows what impromptu monkeyshines await. It seems only fitting that I do something unexpected and ridiculous in Bren’s honor as that’s how I lived most days with her.  

She was my Best Friend and Favorite Person. My Ride-or-Die. It’s hard to imagine continuing on without her…but what choice do I have?  

I look back at the way she fought and continued to battle til the very end…full of life and light and faith! I’ve considered what it would have been like if the roles were reversed and I couldn’t have done it like she did. It was unbelievable to witness and will continue to be just that…a witness and a testimony to what real faith looks like.

Please join me today in remembering what an unbelievable wife, mother, daughter, sister, auntie, friend and light of Jesus that Brenda was and is…She is healed and eternally without suffering with our Lord and Savior.

Praise be to Jesus!  

Love you Brenji

Celebration of Life

We are going to open with a prayer and a worship song. Our long-time friend and local Pastor Chris Russo will be leading us…Chris:

PASTOR RUSSO - Opening Prayer

This song is incredibly special because while we were in the Hospital following Brenda’s craniotomy, she was having trouble raising her left arm. We were sitting there together playing some worship music and when we played this song, she raised her arms to worship and praise Jesus…and her left arm raised higher than it had the entire time…as high as it reached throughout the entire rest of her journey. It also describes her posture throughout our entire journey…it’s called Gratitude.

(Gratitude)

To some of you, she was mommy, to some daughter, and to some sister…to others, she was teacher, mentor, teammate, partner…and to everyone here…she was a friend.  

To me…she was my bride. I used to tell her that she was my FAVORITE person on the planet. My rock. A lamp unto my feet. She kept me from veering too far off the path…and she illuminated that path so I could see my way back to it. She was my compass that kept me from getting lost. She was my ride-or-die, as we used to say.  

She was known by many names…Brenda, Bren, Brenny, Brenji…and some had the pleasure of knowing her as Tricky. She had almost as many nicknames as she had different laughs. GOSH I loved her laughs. ALL 41 of them. I loved to make her laugh…it was truly one of my favorite things in this world……………I’m going to miss that so much.  

What words could one possibly say that could even remotely capture and display how wonderful and incredible this woman…this angel…is and was…and what could possibly begin to describe the impact that she had on this world? I have spent the last couple weeks pondering…and I have come up short.  

There is no perfect combination of words that can adequately represent her. Words alone cannot define her.  

I eventually landed on this…

Everyone take a look around at all of the beautiful faces and beings that are here today because of her. And this is just a SAMPLE…because many wanted to be here, but simply couldn’t make it. This right here…You Guys, Yinz, Y’all…You represent what she was all about. A rare collection of souls that are so special…to HER…BECAUSE you are so precious and valuable to your Creator and Savior. THIS is what represents her………..

Brenda would have loved this. The obvious worst part of today is that she can’t physically be here to take part in this because she would have absolutely loved seeing and hanging out with all of you! You all represent different points and periods on the timeline of Brenda…and she would have loved bringing all of y’all together and being part of the intersection of everyone that she’s loved over the course of her life. And boy did she love people.

In the Book of Matthew, the Bible tells us that one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, asked Jesus what the Greatest Commandment was in the Law…

Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

This was Bren. This is how she lived.

Brenda was the most unassuming, down-to-earth, and grounded person I knew. She was truly an embodiment of the Divine…and a physical, Human representation of the Spirit of God to those around her.  

Everyone knows this…it’s no secret…but I was never good enough for her. I didn’t deserve her. This isn’t as much of a shot at me as it is a testament to her. I mean I absolutely caught lightning in a bottle.

She was so incredible and the ONLY sense I can make of any of this is that she simply hit a point where she graduated from this earth and needed to be at a different level…Heaven HAD to matriculate her…she BELONGS there!

It was truly my honor to serve and care for Brenda for the last 13 months. I am emotionally torn…on the one hand, I know she is completely and fully healed and in paradise with her Creator and Savior for all of Eternity…which is infinitely better than being here. On the other hand, I would love to serve and care for her, even for just one…more…day. But I am glad that she is finally completely free and ultimately where she desired to be…with all of her Heavenly family and Angels, worshiping and singing Holy Holy Holy, is the Lord God Almighty.  

Brenda is my hero. She will continue to be an example and inspiration for me, my kids, and many others as we journey and navigate this world, in anticipation for the next.  

Brenda lived for sharing the Gospel …the GOOD NEWS of Jesus with others. I believe that she would want that Good News shared during this time of her Heavenly Celebration today…and so I’ve asked our friend, Pastor Aaron to share this Good News in her honor…

PASTOR AARON NEBRIJA - GOSPEL

My daughter Lulu wanted to say some words about her mommy…

“Thank you all for coming. I know my mom would’ve wanted me to do this. She was a great mom and a great person and her faith was so strong. I miss her so much, but I know she is in a better place. And she brought so many people closer to Jesus!”

Pastor Mike Arnold was Brenda’s and my college Pastor and he’s the one that married us almost 20 years ago. I’ve asked Pastor Mike to close us in prayer:

PASTOR MIKE - Closing Prayer

We want to end with a song that Brenda loved and we feel represents and embodies her Spirit and the way she lived…

(That’s who I Praise)

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We can continue to keep Brenda’s legacy alive and honor her with the telling and retelling of stories/memories of her from various points along her timeline. The way that she lived her life, loved people, and spent her days will still be an inspiration to me, my kids…and I hope to many others that knew her or followed her journey.  

We love and miss her so much. Thank you for doing so as well.

Today marks 1 month since Brenda went to be with Jesus. In a way, it’s still unbelievable…this can’t be real. It seems like only yesterday that we got the devastating news that she had a brain tumor, initiating that fearful, uncertain trip downtown to the ER, which launched this whole journey. Anything prior to that day seems like a distant memory of a former and entirely different life.  

I still am struggling with what to say or do. There are times when I feel very lost. Other times, I’m just going through the motions…mainly for the kids. It’s amazing how one can feel so lonely and alone, despite being surrounded by 4 other people 24/7. The void someone like Bren can leave is immeasurable. I know all of this is part of the process…but let’s be honest…

The Process Sucks.

One of the reasons this is so hard is because Bren was so amazing. If she wasn’t as amazing as she was…it wouldn’t be as difficult as it is. I appreciate all of the memories and photos that folks have been passing along (and please continue to do so)…but at the same time, it just reminds me of how incredible she was, which makes it that much harder. It has caused us to love her even more…which makes us miss her, who she was, and living life with her that much more…forcing us to realize that we can never have that again.

Yesterday, I had a moment where something reminded me of the daily treatments we used to do together and how we made the best of those, laughing and joking and loving each other through them. It made me miss those moments and her in those moments so badly that I began to cry…and then I made several of the kids cry as they watched me loving her and missing her so badly. What can I say…she was the most incredible person I’ve ever known.

I wanted to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone that has supported us in one way or another. We appreciate all of you so much! At this point in time, I just don’t have the capacity to get Thank You cards out to everyone…it would be impossible for me to take that on given all that I’ve had to absorb. I know that’s not very “Southern/Christian” of me…but I hope y’all understand and please accept my Apology as well as my Blanket Thank You! Our family is truly grateful for all of the help and we appreciate all of you journeying with us during this, supporting us along the way. We hope that you’ll continue to journey with us, because to be honest…I think some of the hardest times may still be in front of us.

For those of y’all that came to one of Brenda’s 3 Celebrations of Life (SC, CA, & OH)…I want to say Thank You so much for making the effort, spending the money, and disrupting your lives/schedule in order to honor our Brenji. That means so much to us and we greatly appreciate it!

To those who couldn’t make it for one reason or another…NO WORRIES! We totally understand that life is busy and crazy and difficult and expensive and all the things…I know a lot of you wanted to be here, but just couldn’t. For those of you that couldn’t be here for the Celebration of Life in South Carolina, I wanted to post the words that I shared about Bren so that you can take part in that Celebration, even afterwards.  

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California Folks…

If y’all are able to make it, there will be a Celebration of Life for Brenda this Saturday, March 22nd, at Cardiff State Beach @2PM. Details are in the flyer attached.

Our family won’t be able to be there physically…but we will be there in Spirit.  

Hope all of y’all Left Coasters can connect and share stories/memories in Brenda’s honor!

We love and appreciate all of y’all!

We are excited to see many of y’all on Saturday to celebrate Brenda’s life and journey here on earth together! We just wanted to share a few quick details about the Celebration of Life prompted by some questions we’ve been receiving…

While we appreciate condolences and “sorry for your losses”…we want this to be a true CELEBRATION that Brenda is pain and suffering Free, Dancing in Heaven and Praising Jesus!!! There are no perfect words…so say what you want…but just know that the overall attitude will be one of Gratitude and Celebration!  

The dress code is BEACH…so wear what you’d wear if you were taking your own family there for the day! And if you have been able to secure something Tie Die, then go ahead and wear it in Brenda’s honor…but don’t stress if you don’t have something Tie Die…it’s no big deal! Anyone that wears a suit to the beach will receive a soaking wet hug from one of my kids, straight out of the ocean!! 😂

This is a BYOE (Bring Your Own Everything) Event…so bring your own beach chairs, tent or umbrella, cooler with food/snacks/drinks, football/volleyball/frisbee, jacket or hoody (it may be a little breezy/chilly), etc. Pretend you’re on vacation for the day. Oh and make sure you bring your best Brenda stories/memories!

The “Service” portion of the day where we pull folks into one area to Pray, say a few words, and sing a couple songs in Brenda’s honor will most likely be around 1/1:30-ish, depending on if the majority of folks are there at that time. That’s a general “guesstimate” as to what time we will start. It won’t be too long as our goal isn’t to make you cry all day…plus we don’t want to cry all day either! 😢 So we’ll only cry for 20 minutes or so 😉

If you/your family aren’t or haven’t been feeling well, do not feel the need to “push through” on our behalf…we won’t be offended in any way and want you to take care of your own health. We can always arrange another time to get together with you and Celebrate Bren together, swapping hugs and memories 😎

Parking at the Citadel Beach Club is covered and should be easy. Once you are parked, please make your way out to the beach and set up your gear where it best suits you and your family.

Lastly, please mingle with folks you know and ones you don’t, sharing different stories and memories (both impactful/meaningful and silly/funny) of Brenda that folks may or may not have heard before. We want to honor her and carry her on through the retelling/sharing of these stories for generations to come! This is the main purpose of this whole Celebration of Life!

Thank you and we look forward to Celebrating with you on Saturday!

Just a reminder to folks that Brenda’s Celebration of Life “Day at the Beach” is one week from today.  

Please join us if you can. We hope to see you there!

More Updates on the Family to come…